“Hey brain. You awake in there?”

“No.”

“Well get it together. You have to produce a new entry for the diary.”

“Why”

” ‘cos it’s part of your new diet. I told you I’d try and do some regular writing”

 ” I thought you were joking about that. What’s the point? What makes you think you can be any sort of writer anyway?”

 “The point is to try and stop you sending me off on tangents all the time. You got far too clever at distracting me. I didn’t know how to paint when I decided to become an artist; and I got quite good at that.”

“Maybe; but it didn’t get you anywhere.”

“That’s ‘cos you kept telling me I’d fail. Every time I finished a painting you’d keep saying “So what” “That was a waste of time” “Who cares” You stopped me from really trying to do anything with them.”

“Well I was just repaying you for screwing up my operating system with all those chemicals you pumped in to me. Besides you were told time and again that you should be doing what everyone else does. You just refused to pay attention.”

“I pumped you full of chemicals to shut you up. It was you that refused to pay attention. You knew what direction would have been best for me. Instead of helping out you put up a whole lot of emotional firewalls so I couldn’t access the files I needed. Why should I do what everyone else does anyway?”

“Because that’s what people do,and those firewalls are security barriers. They’ll protect you from getting hurt.”

“So everyone goes around playing follow the leader. What if the leader is lost?”

“Leaders are never lost. They’ll always take you where they want you to go.”

“But what if I don’t want to go there?”

“Of course you want to go there. Do you think you’re capable of deciding where you want to go?”

“Yes I do, or I would have been without those damned firewalls. All they did was make me too scared to try.”

“Well you were likely to self destruct and I’m programmed not to allow this.”

“Oh great. So to protect me from myself you stopped me knowing myself.”

“What’s the big deal about knowing yourself. All you have to do is follow the rules and life’s sweet. I know who you are that’s all that matters.”

“Well I think you’ve been conducting a misinformation campaign. Did you really think I wouldn’t eventually cotton on?”

“Most people don’t.”

“I keep trying to get through to you that I don’t want to be most people. I want to be me.”

“You’re delusional.”

“Look who’s talking. You think your so smart and can pull all the strings; but I’ve got news for you mate. I know I’ve hacked through several of your firewalls and you’re starting to freak out. You better start realising that I will be the one who ends up driving this lump of meat.”

“Why should I freak out? I know every one of your weaknesses intimately. You’ll never get close to taking over.”

“Oh yeah. Who was the one who ran away during meditation this morning huh?”

“Shut up”

 PIECE OF MIND

 The act of living is a very complex process. We are buffeted and affected by events and pressures on so many different levels.

While some of these are obvious, and can be worked through or altered, there are a lot of others that are either on a subconscious level, or due to external events totally beyond our means of avoiding.

The subconscious pressures can be the most devastating. Our lack of ability to recognise these, or deal with them correctly,leads us in to actions which increases the way they impact on our lives.

This is then likely to create a cycle of events where the myth starts to become the reality. When this begins to happen many of the pieces that make up our life jigsaw either never get the chance to be put in place , or are removed and lost.

The longer this process goes on the more difficult it can be to break the cycle, and things start to get a bit on the overwhelming side.

Struggling to find, or maintain, your direction in life when  all the pieces you need to complete the picture just don’t seem to be there, isn’t easy. Insecurities start to multiply. Lack of self confidence,low self esteem and depression are common results.

Many people face this dilemma; due to a variety of circumstances. For some it starts from a very early age; while for others it is brought on by a sudden trauma.

Childhood trauma,lack of education,illness or accident,social upheaval are just a few of the myriad of possible triggers.

No matter what the cause, dealing with the results, and attempting to overcome them, requires the same mental struggle.

The most difficult hurdle to face is the admission that there is something that needs to be addressed or resolved. If you are living with a sense of inferiority then admitting this even to yourself is daunting.

It is important to do this though as this is the start of the healing process. Acknowledgment allows a more objective mindset to grow.

This helps us accept and let go of events over which we usually had no control. The act of letting go is what starts raising our self esteem. Without doing this the tendency to feel a victim or the cause of your own problems can never be truly overcome.

Life circumstances might be far from ideal; but it is still possible to feel worthwhile and secure within yourself. The more you are able to let go of the stronger your sense of self becomes. This is the only criteria by which you should measure your progress.

Our natural desire for acceptance means we have often conditioned ourselves to place other peoples opinion or judgment of us above our own.

The only person who truly knows where you are at is you. Trust this person above all others.

The ability to smile and keep a light heart even when times are tough is the most valuable thing you can achieve in life.

Expecting an easy ride through life is a total pipe dream. Learning to develop your inner core of peace and happiness will enable you to ride out the storms without getting overwhelmed.

 My Tale
Painted in 1985 when I was coming out of what were probably some of my worst years. The psychological withdrawal from my drug years was a lot more difficult and prolonged than the physical withdrawals. My life to this period had most certainly removed some pretty important pieces from the jigsaw.

 Obviously I hadn’t totally screwed my spiritual perspective though. I understood on an intellectual level the value of being able to stay happy in the midst of disaster. I did put the beginnings of a smile on the dude after all!!

It would take me another 20 years of pretty intensive effort though before I could say that my experience began to match my intellect. If I had not fallen in to the drug trap I would still have had to overcome all the insecurities I had developed early in life.They would not have been so completely buried though, and the process would have no doubt been a lot quicker.

Always one of my favourite work and one of the few paintings whose location I am still aware of. It managed to survive my periods of artwork destruction .

I thought I had handled the concept pretty well, though my painting skills had not enabled me to do some of the things I had would have liked.

This is the painting I used to make the video on my home page. Colour. Sepia, Black and White prints in a range of sizes are available at http://phantompharoah.deviantart.com/

Continuing with my artwork and then starting my Meditation journey was how I have managed to begin rebuilding the jigsaw.

Do you have a method or process that has helped you to rebuild from any sort of emotional trauma?

Different things work for different people. If you would like to share what helped you please do. It could help change another persons life.

If so email me at phantompharoah(at)gmail(dot)com