Vanity-Social Veneer    

Pride in ones’ appearance and personal grooming are healthy signs of a good self image. Keeping an interest in fashion and trends makes everyday living fun and enjoyable. 

Where it goes all pear shaped is when these things become obsessions.  

Humans are a visual animal; so we do make a lot of our judgments by what we see. Our totally commercial based society has preyed on this fact. We are constantly being bombarded with images, and articles, about how we should look / dress /act.  

All of this is so that we may appear successful or acceptable in other peoples eyes. And make a lot of money for the fashion / cosmetic / health industries. 

It has absolutely nothing to do with how you feel about yourself; even though a good sense of self worth, and individuality, is very important for mental health.

What is damaging is the peer, or social, pressure to conform in a certain way. Being judged mostly on how you look, or what you own, begins to erode your sense of value as an actual person; and who you are. You focus totally on how other people see you.

Everyone wants to be loved and accepted. This should be for who we are; not just our image.

 Jealousy or envy; if you are unable to afford the current image, breeds low self esteem.

Spending money you can ill afford, or acts of theft and violence, to keep up appearances can result.

Having the money to get whatever you want simply raises the stakes. Extreme measures get taken to obtain an illussionary perfect shape.

  The human species has a very large and varied gene base. People come in all sorts of different shapes and sizes.

Perpetual youth, and certain body types, are what are portrayed as the ideal human form.

Keeping fit and active to maintain vitality makes common sense. Dieting,drugs, or surgery to obtain someone elses’ ideal of how you should look shows how little value we are actually placing on ourselves as a person.

Image and personal identity  are totally different things. Many people are unable to distinguish beween the two which is where they get trapped in the vanity cycle.

Once the image mentality takes over the tendency to be critical, and judgmental of yourself and others is the norm. If you are unable to live up to either your own, or others expectations, the gradual reduction of your self esteem begins.

A sense of personal identity is understanding that you are what is important. How you feel about yourself is the only thing that really matters. This may sound like it is totally self centred; but in reality it is the opposite.

When you are firmly grounded in yourself the ego gets subdued. There is no need for conceit or judgment. You accept yourself and all others as they are.

These people will not need to project any sort of superficial image.Inner acceptance brings a beauty all of its own which cannot be faked.

In a shallow and superficial society little value is placed on  who you really are, or what you think.

What have been your experiences with keeping up appearances?

Have you ever felt like an object rather than a person?

Have you faced discrimination because of how you are?

Narcissus and the Ayatollah

Infatuation can be self directed or externally directed. It is the basis of fanaticism and delusion.

Obsessive thinking takes over rational thought.

It totally blinds a person to any harm their actions may be having on others; or to clearly see the realities of a situation.

Self infatuation

 This requires a constant boosting of the ego. Being wrong is never even considered; a fanatic is obsessed with their own importance or the rightness of their ideology. Taken to extremes these people become very dangerous to society.

Power is a magnet and they can never have enough.

Manipulating and using people for their own ends increases their sense of omnipotence. The fanatic is so self centred that other people simply become pawns in their chess game. They will prey on the weak and insecure.

Their ability to relate to another person on any sort of emotional level is extremely limited.

Breaking out of this mindset is very hard to achieve. If a fanatic is thwarted, they will usually become bitter and twisted. Accepting any personal responsibility seldom occurs. Revenge against those they deem responsible for their situation becomes their new obsession.

 External Infatuation

The usual form of this is the idolisation of another person. A very strong sexual attraction is one cause. This intense chemical/physical attraction is often mistakenly considered to be true love. True lust is a more realistic definition.

A person who has low self esteem may also become infatuated with a stronger personality; they think this person will solve all their problems.

In both these cases the object of infatuation is seen as being absolutely perfect. They will fulfill all your delusional dreams. Putting them on a pedestal blinds you to any of their real characteristics, or motives.

Becoming a virtual slave, either physically or emotionally, is a definite possibility.

When it turns out they are only human after all, have faults and feet of clay; your delusions get shattered.

Once again it is not common to accept your own responsibility for creating this situation in the first place.The blame will be cast on the other person. Emotional repercussions can be severe, and long lasting.

Recognising infatuation in others is usually easier than accepting it in yourself. When you are caught in this web of delusion even wanting to get out does not seem to occur. It usually takes some sort of major breakdown in the situation to start bringing about a more realistic perspective on things.

Obsessive thought patterns can be reduced if you are prepared to make a conscious effort.

A good exercise if you find yourself obsessing is to switch your mental awareness to focusing on your breathing. Try and maintain this focus as long as you can. Initially this won’t be for very long at all, and you’ll be back obsessing. When you realise this; switch back to observing your breathing.

Keep trying to do this for as long as you can. It isn’t easy; so will require a definite effort.

The purpose of this is to make the mind totally neutral; which will prevent it from increasing the obsessive behaviour. Doing this is much more beneficial than trying to distract yourself with other activities. Obsessive thoughts seem to be able to intrude no matter what you are doing!!!

My Mistake

My infatuation was fueled by a strong sexual attraction.

I Got involved in a romantic situation which logically had no hope of ever succeeding.  The whole thing was really quite ridiculous in hind sight. It was very much one sided, though I was unwilling to recognise this.

The interaction was on and off for a number of years; during which time I built up an impossible delusion; of both her, and the situation. Fortunately for both of us she had more sense than me. It would never have worked out. When I was eventually tossed  aside it shattered not only my delusions, but made me create a very secure wall against  future emotional hurt.

Insecurity and an unwillness to accept that the situation was mostly of my own making; I not only blamed her; but transferred this to the female gender as a whole.

For about 2 years I was quite literally almost constantly chewing over the whole thing in my head. No surprise that they were not particularly positive thoughts. I let them build up to such a degree that my ability to trust anyone on an emotional level had basically disappeared.

 My reaction to the situation was both stupid and naïve. Deep seated insecurities were behind the degree to which I allowed it to affect me.

So I had allowed an infatuation; which should have been recognised and moved on from several years earlier, to turn in to a serious wall the results of which would take nearly 20 years to break down.

Not a clever monkey!!!

This is a classic example of how your reaction to an event is incredibly more damaging than the event itself.

Having a firm sense of self will prevent you from falling in to these sort of situations and reactions.

Recognising and accepting your own role in the situation will allow a much faster recovery.

How quickly were you able to get over an infatuation?

What steps did you take to ensure it didn’t happen again?