Entry 5 Negotiating responsibilities

“I’m back my fine convoluted accomplice.”

“Oh very droll.”

“Well it’s early, and I’m still trying to get the hang of this writing stuff.”

“That’s obvious. You could improve on your conversation skills as well.”

“Stop winding me up. This is hard enough without your constant put downs.”

“I’m just keeping you up to date with your limitations.”

“Just for once couldn’t you try to be on my side?”

“Why should I be? You’re trying to fire me.”

“I’d rather we came to an amicable working agreement.”

“What. With you in control?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh great. What a total disaster that would be. You ain’t got any qualifications for that sort of responsibility.”

“I’m learning them. That metaphysical stuff you you keep trying to stop me using is teaching me all sorts of useful things.”

“Yeah right. You’re so goddamned gullible. It’s crap.”

“You can’t deny that I’ve managed to stop quite a few of your usual excesses. You’re just pissed off that you’ve lost a lot of your favourite emotional hammers to hit me with.”

“Beginners luck. I’ll get them back.”

“Oh no you won’t. You forget I was there when they got deleted from your hard drive. You kicked up merry hell but couldn’t stop it.”

“Bet you didn’t set up that web site.”

“Touch a sore point did I? Feel the need to change the subject huh?”

“Answer my question.”

“ You’re right, I didn’t”

“Ha. Knew you couldn’t stick to a goal.”

“I looked at it; but the connection was real slow, and I didn’t have enough internet time to do it.”

“Excuses, excuses. You’re always good at those.”

“Well I happen to think these are valid ones. I did open a Facebook account and started putting the diary there. That was something.”

“Oh brilliant move. Let half the planet see how many sandwiches you’re short of a picnic.”

“Just because I might be part of an anorexics lunch doesn’t mean my ideas won’t help someone else decide to try and start negotiations with their cranial tyrant.”

“Why should they bother. The status quo is just fine.”

“No it’s not. Everyone deserves the opportunity to control their own destiny. I know it is possible to reduce the amount of power you brains hold; and be a hell of a lot happier for doing so.”

‘We have to be in control. You simply aren’t up to the task.”

“Go on. Stick to the party line. It won’t do you any good you know. I have no intention of giving up; even if you won’t negotiate. Means you’ll eventually have to be fired. Seems a shame really. Despite all your bad habits I am quite used to having you around.”

“Very touching I’m sure. What are these negotiations you’re deluded enough to think would interest me.”

“Well it’s really just a reallocation of tasks. I’m in charge of applying filters to try and reduce the amount of new negative garbage getting in. That way I get to control the emotional stuff. You stick to keeping all the mechanical bits operating smoothly.”

“What. You expect me to become nothing more than a computer technician.”

“Hey it’s still a highly skilled occupation.”

“Do I get to control the hard drive.”

“You’ll have to allow me access to the emotional files, stop hitting me on the head with them,and stop acting like a diva if I want to delete any of them.”

“I can’t do that. What about the survival clauses in my contract? I’m not allowed to tinker with that.”

“That’s right. I was going to go dispute that with you. Next time. ”

“Oh joy. I can hardly wait.”

“Cretin.”

A Procrastinators Diary (Peeling your Onion)

Entry 4 The Brain disputes its animal nature

“Wakey wakey sunshine.”

(silence)

“Any one home?”

(silence continues)

“What the hell’s your problem today.”

“I got issues with you.”

“So what’s new. Snap out of it;we got an entry to write.”

“I won’t. You called me an animal.”

“No I didn’t. I said you’re main programming is the same as an animals.”

“How many animals do you know who understand quantum physics?”

“ How many humans do you know who do? I’m not referring to your vaunted intellect. I’m talking about why your actions make people do things that will dictate how their life pans out.”

“What are you getting at?”

“You know. Basic animal actions. Eat,screw and protect your territory.”

“So? Everyone has to survive.”

“True. But I think it sucks that you have a total override function that can kick in whenever you decide.”

“ I Haven’t.”

“You have so. And you’re very sneaky with it too. You use our emotions to make sure you get what you want.”

“What’s wrong with that? Not much point you having emotions if I can’t use them.”

“Well you’re too heavy handed. You just remove all options when it suits you. If someone can’t do what you’re telling them they must it really screws them up.”

“Bullshit. That’s why you got given an intellect.”

“Yeah, but you made damned sure it wasn’t as strong as the emotions; and access to their controls was very carefully hidden. Most people don’t even know they can look for them.”

“I still don’t see the problem.”

“You wouldn’t, ‘cos you think this whole survival thing is all that’s important. As long as the person is alive you don’t care if they are actually happy about the fact.”

“You’re nuts. Why should I accept responsibility for anyones happiness.”

“Because you admitted that you don’t filter anything that happens. You just store everything on your hard drive. You allow emotional issues to keep on stockpiling. If your survival program gets threatened, you override the intellect and hit the person on the head with them. You don’t care if the resulting action causes someone to spend the rest of their life paying for the consequences.”

“You’re responsible for your own actions. Don’t blame me.”

“Admittedly but you’re still not an innocent party here. Your sticky fingerprints can be seen all over the cookie jar.”

“No they’re not.”

“ Are too. Constantly pushing this whole survival trip you’re on makes most people think that’s all there is to life.”

“Stop sounding off about my survival program. You agreed everyone has to survive.”

“You really can’t comprehend the difference between survival and living can you? As far as you’re concerned perpetuation of the species is all that matters. Basic animal behaviour has to take precedence. Survival of the fittest, Law of the jungle and all that stuff.”

“Listen dude there’s been a huge time investment made in developing you critters. Do you think you should be allowed to blow that?”

“Yes I do but I haven’t got time to argue it with you now. We were supposed to be writing an entry for the diary and you’ve sent me sideways again. I have to try and remember how to go about setting up a web site.”

“What about.”

“Thought I’d make one just for this diary.”

“Why? Who’d want to read it?”

“Probably no one. But you’re obviously going totally senile and have forgotten the purpose of this already. I’m supposed to be setting myself goals and trying to achieve them.”

“Oh.”

“Yo brain”

“Piss off”

“No; we got to do this”

“It’s bullshit”

“How do you know. It’s only the third day.”

“I don’t like it”

“Give it a chance. It might grow on you.”

“I tell you it’s a waste of time.”

“So what you want to do.”

“Play Play Station.”

“Don’t have one.”

“Surf the net.”

“Don’t have any internet time left.”

“Go to the pub”

“You know I don’t drink.”

“Watch TV.”

“There’s only crap on.”

“So what. At least I won’t have to think.”

“No. Your neurons need some exercise. Their voltage is getting pretty low lately.”

“Start another painting.”

“No one can afford  them. I want to learn something new.”

“You’re too old; and I’m tired.”

“Too old for what? I’m not trying to become a rocket scientist.”

“May as well be.”

“Hey give me a break. Bit of cerebral exercise might perk you up, make you  feel better.”

“I want to go back to bed.”

“Why do you always try and stop me doing something that might be interesting.”

“Because you have such harebrained ideas. It always stresses me. You  leap in at the deep end without even teaching me  to swim. I  want to be normal.”

“Normal what; what’s your criteria?”

“Normal human you idiot. You know. Steady job,house,wife,kids. Forget about all this wishy washy metaphysical stuff you try and force on me.”

“Go on, be a cynic. If it hadn’t been for something metaphysical you’d have really screwed me years ago.”

“I was only doing my job.”

“And bloody hopeless at it you turned out to be. I’ve been trying to fire you for as long as I’ve known you. I never even got to see your CV.”

“Brains don’t need one. Our contract gets written while you’re still happily tucked in your mothers belly. You can’t fire me; read the fine print.”

“Don’t get too complacent turkey. That metaphysical stuff you rubbish has provided me with some very good legal advice. There is an escape clause to terminate your contract. It might be tricky; but it can be done. I’ve already got the process started.”

“Bastard.”

“You should have studied more history. Dictators seldom win any popularity contests. They come to a sorry end eventually.”

“I’ll litigate your arse off. I got evolutionary rights.”

“Just because your hardwiring is purely animal instinct don’t give you no rights.”

“I’ll give you writers block.”

“You are really pathetic.”

Entry 1 Phantom informs his brain it is due for an upgrade

Phantom “OK bite the bullet and start this thing.”

Brain “What do you hope to achieve with this.”

“Dunno really, maybe just try and get a bit of regular writing happening.”

“Writing what?”

“Anything, doesn’t matter. Things I find interesting. Random thoughts.”

“Could be dangerous. Some of your thoughts are pretty random.”

“Sure but I usually forget them.”

“Probably the best thing.”

“Aw come on they’re not all bizarre. Besides I can also record other things I’ve done. See if I get better at not goofing off.”

“You definitely need to improve.”

“Yeah well I’m going through a difficult transition.”

“You caused it.”

“Doesn’t make it any easier.”

“How’s this going to help? “

“Well all those positive thinking things say you need to start setting goals.”

“You never do that.”

“I used to but gave up. Everything I aimed for turned to custard.”

“That’s ‘cos you always shot yourself in the foot.”

“Maybe I should learn to dance, improve my foot work?”

“You’d need more than that, besides you’re an old man.”

“Hey it’s never too late to change, besides this is mainly about my head space.”

“Well space is the operative word. It’s turning in to a vacuum in here.”

“Great isn’t it. You’re just getting scared ‘cos my meditation has got rid of so much crap that I’m close to being able to control you. Are you getting lonely not being able to constantly chatter on inanely any more?”

“Careful with this inane stuff. I am a highly sophisticated piece of genetic development.”

“Maybe….but you’re really pretty stupid. How come you allowed me to screw up your operating system with all that negative stuff I used to be involved in?”

“I’m not supposed to be selective. What you put in I record on the hard drive.”

“Yeah well I’m going to continue deleting stuff; and this is the start of trying to install new software.. You’re obsolete and seriously out dated.”

“Upgrades cause problems. They may not be compatible with the operating system. Has it been tested? Have you read the reviews?”

“Oh shut up. I don’t care. It might regain some of the efficiency you once had. Your insatiable appetite for junk food made you so frigging fat and lazy you could hardly operate.”

“So your failures are my fault are they? Who was the cook and provided the meals eh?”

“Me. I know. I’ve decided to try you on a different diet.”

“But I like junk food.”

“Tough titties.”

“Shit.”