Coping With Loss or Grief 

Nobody goes through life without experiencing a number of situations where they have to deal with the emotions of loss or grief. How well they are dealt with, and the long term emotional effects on a person, will depend very much on how secure that person feels within themselves and how effectively it is dealt with at the emotional level.

Meditation practice is very beneficial in enabling a person to weather these events in a manner which reduces the psychological effects they can often induce.

Change of circumstances is something that the majority of people are uncomfortable with; even though it is a reality of life. Loss or grief is often accompanied by a major alteration to how we live.

Death of a loved one is a major trauma, but there are many other life events which will create the same emotional turmoil such as-

Relocation

Divorce

Injury or loss of health

War / civil unrest

Changing schools/loss of friends

Coping healthily with any of these situations requires the ability to let go of the past and move on. This may sound like a rather basic statement but a great many people are unable to do this successfully. 

Getting through normal activities.

Unless a serious personal injury or sickness is involved most people manage to adapt to any physical changes due to loss fairly quickly.

Keeping motivated may require some serious self prodding initially.

Support from friends and family is highly beneficial at these times but is unfortunately not always there, or available.

Maintaining routines and personal interests as much as possible allows for a gentler sense of change as well as permitting adaption to any areas which may have been greatly affected.

Keeping busy or taking on new activities and responsibilities is important; as it keeps up a sense of purpose and life interest.

This should not be taken too far though. By keeping yourself so busy that you never have the time or energy to reflect on any sense of loss simply puts a heavy lid on any emotional hurt you may be feeling. This will eventually resurface and cloud your ability to deal with future situations.

It is emotional damage which has the most long lasting effects. 

Grief and the emotions

The old saying that time heals sticks around simply because it is true; but for grief or loss to pass healthily it has to be dealt with at the emotional level. The external face people show the world is often the total opposite to what is going on in their subconscious.

It is very easy, and common, for the mind to become like a stuck record or tape loop when it has received an emotional shock. This is very detrimental; and the fact that it usually selects negative aspects of the situation to dwell on and repeat makes it even worse. Once started it can be very difficult to stop. Allowing it to continue for any length of time reinforces these thought patterns at an emotional level affecting your whole attitude to life.

This does not mean that you should try and shut out any thoughts about the situation as this is a form of denial; causing its own set of emotional problems.

Grief or loss can trigger deep seated insecurities leading to a spiral of low self esteem or self worth. Unfortunately many people judge their sense of worth, or identity, on external objects; be these material possessions or family / spouse. For these people a loss of such comes as a total removal of their life purpose and recovery can be very slow; possibly affecting them for the rest of their lives. Prolonged periods of depression can be a result of this.

Being prepared to reflect on your emotions at these time helps the healing process. What is most important for a persons future well being is that they make the effort to switch their mind to finding the most positive aspects of the situation.

Sadness, hurt, betrayal,fear, and a whole range of other negative emotions are normal; depending on the situation. Accept and acknowledge them for what they are but do not dwell on them.

It is not an easy concept to grasp but what may seem like a disaster can be the opportunity you need to grow in a totally new direction. If you make this mental shift it will start bringing back your sense of self and purpose.

The stronger a persons sense of self identity ( not ego) is, the more rapidly they are able to adapt to emotional traumas. 

How Meditation practice helps

Establishing a Meditation practice in your life definitely helps in coping with loss or grief situations healthily. Regular practice gives you the ability to more readily recognise and change negative thought patterns which are prone to arise.

Long term practice also evens out your emotional responses; preventing a situation from becoming overwhelming. Non practitioners often see this as a negative attribute; they think it takes all the spice out of life. This is not the case. It does not prevent you from feeling happy or sad.

What it does do is enable you to accept the ups and downs of life, let them go,and move on without being overwhelmed or creating more emotional baggage to carry around.

Meditation practice increases a persons capacity for self reliance; improving their self identity and esteem. It is this which enables them to move on from traumas more rapidly.

There are many different types of Meditation most of which will be beneficial to some degree as long as they are developing and reaffirming positive thought patterns. All will require dedicated practice to be truly beneficial.

As with most things prevention is better than cure. Having an established practice will help you deal with traumas a lot easier than starting after them.

It is often the very trauma itself though that makes someone want to start meditating. This is in itself a positive action and is a definite step in the right direction for improving your future well being.

The Meditation which I have practiced for nearly 20 years is Vipassana; as taught by SN Goenka.

This is very powerful though extremely simple. In my opinion it is by far the most long term effective Meditation.

A caution

These courses can be very intense, so I would recommend that anyone who may have suffered a recent loss which has had a strong emotional impact delays attending until approx 6 months after the event; to allow emotions to subside.  

PERSONAL EXPERIENCE  

I recently went through a loss situation which involved facing a total change of lifestyle.

Having spent about 6 years in almost total solitude doing nothing but sculpting and Meditation I had to leave my studio; losing my ability to produce artwork, and relocate.

It was by no means the first radical change of direction I had taken, and would be the second time I had to walk away from the artwork; which was pretty much the main focus to my life.

With no money and at 58 years old it was not a particularly inspiring prospect. It was this very fact that has finally started to rid me of various insecurities I have carried around all my life.

For about a 6 month period I had serious bouts of self doubt and depression, which made functioning very difficult at times.

It was here that my long term Meditation practice came to my assistance. Even when things got pretty bad I was able to recognise and observe what was happening; without getting totally overwhelmed.

This ability to observe things in a detached way is what is necessary to eradicate the negative emotions.

It was an extremely intense experience; but it has given me a very clear understanding of how badly both fear and self doubt affect the mind and body; along with the debilitating effects of severe depression.

I know I still have a great many fears etc to get rid of, but the sense of release and well being that has developed is very special. I know what has gone will not return. This applies particularly to the tendency towards depression. Whatever situations may arise in future they will not trigger any further bouts of depression; the cause has been removed. 

Meditation does not prevent you from having negative experiences; but it does give you the power to really grow from them at a very deep and personal level.

It is always a work in progress, and the more it progresses the greater the benefits. 

Please feel free to comment if you wish. If you have any questions I can be contacted at the email below. 

phantompharoah(at)gmail(dot)com

There is a very high price to pay for any addiction. Not only in the financial sense but more importantly on the physical, emotional, and social well being of the addict and those around them. Overcoming addiction takes determination,support,and a very long time. Breaking any bad habit requires a change in mental attitude and thought process. Everyone has the ability to bring this about; but it is always a slow and difficult thing to do.

What is an Addict

All addictive behaviour tendencies will have as their root cause a lack of self esteem or personal worth. People who have a well developed sense of self will seldom get trapped in any form of addiction, they will also find it very difficult to understand or sympathise with people who are trapped. A strong sense of self is very different to a large ego and operates at a much deeper emotional level. People with large egos are not immune to the attraction of addictions.

Most addictions are well known and documented.

Drugs/Alcohol

Gambling

Eating disorders

Sex

Work

These would be the most common addictions but any activity which becomes an obsession, and starts to dominate how a person lives their life to the detriment of their general well being, is a form of addiction.

Because a flawed self image is usually behind most addictions this is what has to be changed if a genuine and lasting cure is to be successful. Searching for the elusive inner peace and happiness is a pretty universal human activity. An addict will always be looking for this from an external source. No matter what their circumstances may be it is never satisfactory. They are unable to be really content with who they are. 

  All addictions are a form of escapism. They are a way of hiding from some deep seated inner pain or insecurity. Often it is a way of putting up a barrier to prevent anyone getting too close emotionally. Every one seeks to be loved or receive emotional comfort. If a person thinks they are unlovable they will struggle with real personal contact. To fill in this emotional hole they will use something which they feel they can control but doesn’t require an emotional response from them. As is obvious this one sided exchange will not produce any sort of emotional growth or real satisfaction. The total reverse is the actual consequence.  

The withdrawal process

Withdrawing from any addiction is a two step process.

Stage 1 Physical withdrawal

Usually the easiest part this is where you have to stop performing the activity to which you are addicted.

In the case of non chemical addictions this will mean altering behaviour patterns. Replacing destructive behaviours with positive activities is the most effective way of doing this. Support and assistance from friends or family will be highly beneficial in doing this. How long it takes will vary form person to person but it usually takes at least 3 months of regular activity for something to become an integral part of your lifestyle.

With chemical addictions it is more than just stopping an activity. Here the body will have to alter its chemical operating system. The duration of this will depend on length of addiction and what the addictive substance was. It will always feel like a very long time but is usually only a few weeks. The experience is always unpleasant and with some drugs can also be very dangerous. In these cases it should never be attempted without proper medical management if possible.  

Stage 2 Psychological withdrawal

This is the really tough one and can literally take years. Many addicts replace one addiction with another. A heroin addict may kick smack but become an alcoholic or workaholic. Many become involved in co-dependent relationships.

Without eradicating the cause of addiction an addict is like a pool ball bouncing around the table looking for a pocket to fall in to.

Total cure of addictive behaviour has to come from within the addict. No amount of external pressure such as logical reasoning or removal from temptation/supply will do it. The concept of a “dry drunk” as a reformed alcoholic is very real. Falling off the wagon is always a definite possibility.

 There are no shortcuts to this process; except never to start in the first place. Once on the road; it is a long and tortuous journey finding the exit ramp!!!

 Curing addictions 

 Most addicts will deny they even have a problem. Admission of addiction is the first and most important step an addict has to take. This fact is well recognised in most programs dealing with addictions.

There are many well established programs specifically designed to help people overcome particular forms of addiction. Support and encouragement within these frameworks can be very helpful in keeping up motivation and guidance. The degree of success will still depend largely on personal will power and the desire to change.

Total breaking of addictive behaviour requires the restoration or in some cases the actual creation of the persons sense of personal self worth and identity. For this to happen it is necessary to discover and eradicate what are very deep seated emotional issues. Counseling or psychoanalysis are useful in achieving some degree of success in this area.

When choosing a program or support system it is critical to be able to relate to the philosophy behind what is offered. All of them will require a prolonged and dedicated effort to give them any chance of success.

Meditation is what I have personally found to be of enormous benefit in the removal of many emotional obstacles behind my addictive habits. The concept behind Meditation is to improve the whole person at all levels so is not aimed specifically at curing addictions. This is simply an end product of the overall eradication of negative emotions. Consequently some addictive behaviour patterns can still continue for a long time depending on the strength of the emotional issues. Even if this is the case, as it is with me,the overall improvement in how I perceive both myself, and life in general, is enormous. 

Personal experience 

 Please Sister Morphine

Won’t you make up my bed

Marianne Faithful

  Heroin addiction dictated how I lived for about 6 years. As supply was erratic it wasn’t a constant addiction; with the longest stretch being about 6 months. Repeated bouts of cold turkey were just how it was.

Hepatitis from unsterile needles was an unpleasant side effect I had from the lifestyle.

Heavy marijuana use was part of this lifestyle. Although in hindsight I recognise its detrimental effects I do not consider it ever to have been addictive for me.

I know that drugs filled an emotional void for me. They allowed me to ignore my insecurities,avoid trying to work out who I was, or where I wanted to go. A total lack of direction combined with a very low sense of purpose and  self esteem I had developed meant nothing really seemed worth doing; self destruction  was the easiest option. All the drugs did was to increase this mindset; and prevented me from taking any steps to change the situation.

The decision to physically quit opiates was not a conscious one on my part in that it really happened only because the supply and quality was very poor. At this time the physical withdrawals were insignificant, my worst experience with this lasted for about 3 weeks.

   The actual psychological process of quitting was a very drawn out process and continues to this day. For at least another 3 years whenever I felt emotionally stressed I would seek refuge with whatever codeine based products I could legally obtain. Pathetic but true.

Fortunately I have never liked alcohol so I became a workaholic really. My screwed up psyche had finally rebelled and I devoted my time totally to painting in an attempt to sort things out in my head. This did help with the mental withdrawal process;  I soon discovered that I simply couldn’t paint stoned so even marijuana use stopped.

Although I had stopped all drug use except nicotine by the time I got involved with Meditation the underlying emotional issues; along with highly developed negative attitudes to life were still very much there.

I have now been meditating regularly for nearly 20 yrs and the improvement in my mental attitude has been enormous. My experience has shown me very clearly that this process will totally eradicate negative emotions over time. The strength and number of these will determine when it happens and how long it will take.

In my case I know that the amount of negative emotional garbage I had developed was huge and there is still a very significant volume to be removed. Many of the emotions which led to my addictions have gone but there are still plenty of insecurities left to go. I have been a heavy smoker for 40 years and still haven’t quit. This I know to be the last addictive issue I have left.

As I mentioned earlier the purpose of Meditation is not to cure addictions. It deals with the underlying causes of all emotional issues. When these are eradicated any tendency towards addiction they may have generated goes with them. 

Get help 

If you have an addiction get help; and start the recovery as soon as possible. Life is a whole lot more fun and interesting without them. 

Feel free to comment or ask any questions. I can be contacted at the email below

 phantompharoah(at)gmail(dot)com

                                       Vanity-Social Veneer    

Pride in ones’ appearance and personal grooming are healthy signs of a good self image. Keeping an interest in fashion and trends makes everyday living fun and enjoyable. 

Where it goes all pear shaped is when these things become obsessions.  

Humans are a visual animal; so we do make a lot of our judgments by what we see. Our totally commercial based society has preyed on this fact. We are constantly being bombarded with images, and articles, about how we should look / dress /act.  

All of this is so that we may appear successful or acceptable in other peoples eyes. And make a lot of money for the fashion / cosmetic / health industries. 

It has absolutely nothing to do with how you feel about yourself; even though a good sense of self worth, and individuality, is very important for mental health.

What is damaging is the peer, or social, pressure to conform in a certain way. Being judged mostly on how you look, or what you own, begins to erode your sense of value as an actual person; and who you are. You focus totally on how other people see you.

Everyone wants to be loved and accepted. This should be for who we are; not just our image.

 Jealousy or envy; if you are unable to afford the current image, breeds low self esteem.

Spending money you can ill afford, or acts of theft and violence, to keep up appearances can result.

Having the money to get whatever you want simply raises the stakes. Extreme measures get taken to obtain an illussionary perfect shape.

  The human species has a very large and varied gene base. People come in all sorts of different shapes and sizes.

Perpetual youth, and certain body types, are what are portrayed as the ideal human form.

Keeping fit and active to maintain vitality makes common sense. Dieting,drugs, or surgery to obtain someone elses’ ideal of how you should look shows how little value we are actually placing on ourselves as a person.

Image and personal identity  are totally different things. Many people are unable to distinguish beween the two which is where they get trapped in the vanity cycle.

Once the image mentality takes over the tendency to be critical, and judgmental of yourself and others is the norm. If you are unable to live up to either your own, or others expectations, the gradual reduction of your self esteem begins.

A sense of personal identity is understanding that you are what is important. How you feel about yourself is the only thing that really matters. This may sound like it is totally self centred; but in reality it is the opposite.

When you are firmly grounded in yourself the ego gets subdued. There is no need for conceit or judgment. You accept yourself and all others as they are.

These people will not need to project any sort of superficial image.Inner acceptance brings a beauty all of its own which cannot be faked.

In a shallow and superficial society little value is placed on  who you really are, or what you think.

What have been your experiences with keeping up appearances?

Have you ever felt like an object rather than a person?

Have you faced discrimination because of how you are?

Narcissus and the Ayatollah

Infatuation can be self directed or externally directed. It is the basis of fanaticism and delusion.

Obsessive thinking takes over rational thought.

It totally blinds a person to any harm their actions may be having on others; or to clearly see the realities of a situation.

Self infatuation

 This requires a constant boosting of the ego. Being wrong is never even considered; a fanatic is obsessed with their own importance or the rightness of their ideology. Taken to extremes these people become very dangerous to society.

Power is a magnet and they can never have enough.

Manipulating and using people for their own ends increases their sense of omnipotence. The fanatic is so self centred that other people simply become pawns in their chess game. They will prey on the weak and insecure.

Their ability to relate to another person on any sort of emotional level is extremely limited.

Breaking out of this mindset is very hard to achieve. If a fanatic is thwarted, they will usually become bitter and twisted. Accepting any personal responsibility seldom occurs. Revenge against those they deem responsible for their situation becomes their new obsession.

 External Infatuation

The usual form of this is the idolisation of another person. A very strong sexual attraction is one cause. This intense chemical/physical attraction is often mistakenly considered to be true love. True lust is a more realistic definition.

A person who has low self esteem may also become infatuated with a stronger personality; they think this person will solve all their problems.

In both these cases the object of infatuation is seen as being absolutely perfect. They will fulfill all your delusional dreams. Putting them on a pedestal blinds you to any of their real characteristics, or motives.

Becoming a virtual slave, either physically or emotionally, is a definite possibility.

When it turns out they are only human after all, have faults and feet of clay; your delusions get shattered.

Once again it is not common to accept your own responsibility for creating this situation in the first place.The blame will be cast on the other person. Emotional repercussions can be severe, and long lasting.

Recognising infatuation in others is usually easier than accepting it in yourself. When you are caught in this web of delusion even wanting to get out does not seem to occur. It usually takes some sort of major breakdown in the situation to start bringing about a more realistic perspective on things.

Obsessive thought patterns can be reduced if you are prepared to make a conscious effort.

A good exercise if you find yourself obsessing is to switch your mental awareness to focusing on your breathing. Try and maintain this focus as long as you can. Initially this won’t be for very long at all, and you’ll be back obsessing. When you realise this; switch back to observing your breathing.

Keep trying to do this for as long as you can. It isn’t easy; so will require a definite effort.

The purpose of this is to make the mind totally neutral; which will prevent it from increasing the obsessive behaviour. Doing this is much more beneficial than trying to distract yourself with other activities. Obsessive thoughts seem to be able to intrude no matter what you are doing!!!

My Mistake

My infatuation was fueled by a strong sexual attraction.

I Got involved in a romantic situation which logically had no hope of ever succeeding.  The whole thing was really quite ridiculous in hind sight. It was very much one sided, though I was unwilling to recognise this.

The interaction was on and off for a number of years; during which time I built up an impossible delusion; of both her, and the situation. Fortunately for both of us she had more sense than me. It would never have worked out. When I was eventually tossed  aside it shattered not only my delusions, but made me create a very secure wall against  future emotional hurt.

Insecurity and an unwillness to accept that the situation was mostly of my own making; I not only blamed her; but transferred this to the female gender as a whole.

For about 2 years I was quite literally almost constantly chewing over the whole thing in my head. No surprise that they were not particularly positive thoughts. I let them build up to such a degree that my ability to trust anyone on an emotional level had basically disappeared.

 My reaction to the situation was both stupid and naïve. Deep seated insecurities were behind the degree to which I allowed it to affect me.

So I had allowed an infatuation; which should have been recognised and moved on from several years earlier, to turn in to a serious wall the results of which would take nearly 20 years to break down.

Not a clever monkey!!!

This is a classic example of how your reaction to an event is incredibly more damaging than the event itself.

Having a firm sense of self will prevent you from falling in to these sort of situations and reactions.

Recognising and accepting your own role in the situation will allow a much faster recovery.

How quickly were you able to get over an infatuation?

What steps did you take to ensure it didn’t happen again?

Ego

Finding the point of balance between arrogance and humility is a difficult exercise. It is here though that you will start to reap the benefits of a quiet self assurance which will enable you to live harmoniously with yourself, and every one you come in contact with.

People with an inflated opinion of their own importance are not hard to find, it is a pretty common mind set.

An inflated ego is often mistaken for a healthy sense of self. They are definitely not the same thing.

Egotists only ever think of themselves. They have little or no concern for anyone else; unless they can be used in a manner which helps them achieve a particular goal. They will discard or destroy anyone who gets in their way.

Winning at any cost, and by any means, is their way of operating.

This arrogance may have a basis of high competence in their field, or it may be a wall they use to prevent close emotional contact.

Whatever the reason; it is a state of mind that will isolate the person in their own little bubble. It can never lead to any real insights or understanding; as they believe they have all the answers, so don’t even need to look.

When they discover that they actually don’t know it all the fall can be very dramatic.

They never develop the ability to understand other people.

 The flip side to the egotist are those who have lost their self esteem or sense of self worth.

In this state every one appears to be better than you. As everything you do turns out wrong; there seems no point in competing at all.

The damage from this cycle tends to be very much self directed.

Expecting to always lose, becomes a lifestyle.

Obviously this is not a healthy state of mind. Like the egotist it will also isolate the person in their own little bubble. The

only difference being that the egotist will be in their bubble, but surrounded by people; whereas those with low self esteem

will try and avoid company as much as possible.

True self awareness, and the self assurance that comes with it, lies in the middle of these two extremes.

The egotist has to learn humility and empathy for other people. Those on the other end of the scale need to realise that they are a worthwhile, and valuable, person no matter what there situation may be.

 Altering these mental habit patterns is a slow process; requiring a persistent effort.in this madness

My Part 

 At the time I painted this in 1983 I was struggling with the realities and hypocrisy of making a living in the “Art” world. It was also a period of serious self doubt and insecurity.

Self promotional ability, rather than any particularly awesome talent, seemed to be what was mostly required to succeed.

As I didn’t consider myself better than anyone else, the concept of going out and trying to sell myself seemed hypocritical. I consequently never considered my artwork to be anything of real value. When completed I lost all interest in them, and they were often destroyed.

The fact that the only thing I wanted to do was paint, and the realities of not being able to earn an income from it, just fueled my insecurities and sense of failure.

This sense of constant failure has been a very hard thing to shake off. It never stopped me from trying out new things artistically but it did prevent me from appreciating, or placing any value,on what I did.

My years of Meditation practice have enabled me to move closer to the point of balance; so I can now be a lot more objective about life.

The importance of self belief can’t be stressed enough. It is not the same as ego. It is the understanding that you are capable and have the right to explore, and follow, where your interests and talents lead. If you can do this with a sense of inner contentment then a path will open for you to succeed.

Has some inner drive taken you in a direction against all reason?

 Did this lead you to any greater personal understanding or contentment?

TIME JOCKEY

Up at eight

We can’t be late

For Mathew & Son

‘cos they won’t wait

Cat Stevens

Is this the sort of refrain that runs through your head at least 5 days a week?

In our consumer dominated society time is an entity which dominates most peoples lives.

Time is money.

Fair enough. This is certainly true from a purely business perspective. How does this translate to the average working person though.

Security is a basic survival instinct; so a definite proportion of available time has to be devoted to this issue.

Our rampant consumer society has warped peoples attitudes to what is actually necessary for this security. Only by having all the latest on offer do we now consider ourselves to be secure. As all these latest gizmos cost money; it is therefore necessary to spend more time earning this. Enough is never enough any more.

So the amount of time allocated to obtaining security has to increase; reducing the amount of time available for other activities, or to actually enjoy the things we can now afford.

Not many people are fortunate enough to work in occupations which fulfill both their intellectual and emotional needs. The latter usually gets more and more neglected in a persons life.

We have also turned in to a society which expects instant and constant sensory gratification or stimulation. Being a social animal; nobody likes to feel left out of the loop. Consequently we don’t want to miss out on being part of the latest fad that everyone is talking about.

Fitting all these activities in to our now reduced amount of available time starts requiring constant organisation.

Doing things in a particular time frame is necessary for functional every day living. The more we try and put in our lives though, the less time we are able to allocate to any particular activity.

Variety is a necessary way of keeping an active and interested mind. Trying to impose too many inputs though simply turns much of it in to a blur. What is the point of so many activities that most get forgotten  almost as soon as they are over.

EVERY BODY IS SO BUSY DOING;THEY LOSE THE ABILITY TO ACTUALLY BE.

When life starts to get run on such a tight schedule, any sort of delay or hiccup brings about a considerable amount of stress.

This sort of lifestyle usually impacts most strongly on children. Parents are often too tired or stressed to give them the attention they need. Not getting this attention can lead to all sorts of emotional problems; which continue in to adulthood. Children who have not been able to find a supportive, or firm, foundation within their own family are more prone to destructive, or anti-social behavior. The consequences to overall society gets larger as the numbers of people caught in this cycle increases.

Having an active and fulfilling life should be the aim and right of every person.  Many now consider so many things to be necessities though, that they are constantly chasing the clock attempting to get everything done.

Being constantly entertained or occupied means there is actually no time spent on trying to discover who you might actually be, or are possibly capable of.

Your life becomes what you are, not who you are.

Having every possession or experience available means very little; if your life has become an empty shell, or your emotional foundations have fallen to pieces behind you.

Many people are now very uncomfortable if they suddenly find themselves alone, with no external stimulus. Being alone in your own company has become something to be afraid of. Relying totally on an  external source for a meaning to life means you are very poorly equipped to cope with any sort of major upset or stress.

Are you able to just sit down for longer than a few minutes without a radio or television on, and just feel the rhythms of your own body?

Can you stop the constant chatter in your head from driving you on to the next activity?

Prints of this work are available at

http://www.phantompharoah.com

FEMALE EMANCIPATION

 There has been a great improvement in some areas towards a more equal treatment of women.

In many societies though the subjugation and exploitation of women is still very much ingrained. Even where advances have been made you don’t have to look too far to find that ingrained attitudes still lurk beneath the surface.

Despite our so called advanced intelligence as human beings; a large proportion of our innate behaviour patterns are still firmly locked in the animal kingdom. Here the sexual roles and hierarchies are clearly defined. Survival and perpetuation of the species is pretty much all there is to life.

Herd animals always have a pecking order. Each gender having its own. The power plays within these can be pretty brutal; but they do not impact on the opposite sex. Stripped to its most basic level this sums up human life as well. The difference is that our increased intelligence enables us to identify and exploit situations for personal advantage.

 The biological fact that males are physically stronger than females has enabled them to use this as a means for domination and control of female behaviour. Masculine insecurity usually lies at the bottom of these sort of actions. If they are unable to compete successfully in the male pecking order; interfering with female behaviour allows them to regain a sense of power in their own minds.

The unpleasant reality is that people of both genders will pick on others they perceive as being weaker when they are either frustrated in their ambitions, or feel threatened in any particular way.This is purely an attempt to boost their own self image or ego. People will also rarely own or accept their faults or weaknesses’s as something they have to change themselves. Finding a scapegoat to take the blame is the common course of action.

 The treatment and exploitation of women is just one form of a very wide spread mind set that needs to change. Difference of beliefs,lifestyle,or race, are seen as a threat by many people. This is what is at the bottom of every single conflict. Instead of being able to celebrate diversity, and learn from it, the reaction is generally to try and suppress, or wipe it out. Everyone is so attached to their own world view they are unprepared to simply allow differences to co-exist.

The fact that women are the glue that holds the fabric of society together is seldom recognised or acknowledged. They are also societies teachers; providing crucial early learning for both sexes. Societies where educating women is not considered of any importance are condemning themselves to stagnation. Without the strengths of both genders being equally celebrated, and valued, a balanced society can never be achieved. Sexual role stereotyping is not a solution. Learning and accepting who you actually are is.

 It is only by gaining this sort of self awareness that all forms of bigotry, and discrimination, can be overcome. A person who is truly self aware places no importance on what another persons gender,race, or belief system might be. They are able to accept difference for what it is and simply let it be. Every human on this planet has the same hopes,dreams,and needs. No one is more valuable than any one else. We all have our role to play no matter what level we are capable of operating on. Any form of discrimination is an indictment against the person doing the discriminating.

Devaluing a persons role robs them of the possibility of achieving their true potential. It takes away their sense of self worth,and dignity.

 Strength should be used to support; not suppress.

 These paintings were done in 1981 as a comment on a woman’s right to be themselves and not be forced to live or act in a particular way simply because some male couldn’t handle it.

 Have you experienced discrimination within your culture or society, and how do you feel about, or deal with, it?

If you have experiences or issues along these lines that you would like to share, or discuss, with others please feel free to submit any articles.

You can send articles to

phantompharoah(at)gmail(dot)com

These could be about discrimination in any form; not just gender based and can be published anonymously or with an avatar if you wish.

 TEENAGE FUTURE

 Adolescence is a very important time in a persons development. It is also the age group which is most susceptible to external or peer pressure. Rebellion and the pushing of boundaries is a necessary part of finding your own direction.

If early life experiences have not enabled you to develop a grounded sense of where you belong, either within a family setting, or society as a whole; then very damaging long term consequences can arise.

Low self esteem, and an inferiority complex,stem from this lack of foundation.

To compensate for this, anti-social, or self destructive behavior patterns,often develop.

This can totally stifle a persons potential. The talents available in each and every one of us are enormous but very few people are fortunate enough to recognise a definite life path.

Taking the wrong steps at this crucial stage of development can either prevent a true path from ever being found,or leave you with a life long task of recovering from the damage.

Don’t let doing what everyone else wants become the only way you can live.

The desire to belong is a natural part of the human herd instinct. Finding the courage to be true to yourself within this framework, will bring you far greater rewards than any peer acceptance.

It is an unfortunate fact that it is often the very talented who end up as casualties in this process. To see or experience things in a different way to others is what makes these people unique. Unfortunately this very difference can make them feel isolated or insecure and they will try to mask or block out their difference.

Only by reaching a point of understanding that your existence is important, and learning to celebrate your difference, will the path to which you are most suited unfold.

What you end up working at is far less important than who you end up being.

Make the effort to find your inner voice; and be sure to give it time to sing.

Living in harmony with others is vital to finding your right path. Allowing feelings of frustration to grow in to anger, or self hatred, will only feed any insecurities you may have.

We live in a world where the pressures to survive, let alone succeed, are getting more and more intense. Knowing your own self worth is essential to being able to avoid being overwhelmed.

The general breakdown of social cohesion means more and more young people are having to face their future without a sufficiently nurturing background. Their choices and the possible pitfalls they face are even worse than for my generation.

We went in to adulthood with the threat of nuclear annihilation on the table. This generation faces the threat of Global meltdown.

Without a major shift in attitude there is no possibility of preventing an eventual social breakdown.

The greed and selfishness that is behind the current sorry state of the planet has to begin being replaced by a more equal system of wealth distribution.

Otherwise there will be nothing worth while left for future generations of teenagers.

 Where would you rather live

 In a fortified bunker with gold bath taps and 24 hr surveillance?

 In a community of unlocked doors and group support?


My Experience

  I painted this in 1983. It reflects the apprehension I felt as a teenager about facing the world at large.

Having failed to find any sort of direction within the education system, and a sense of being a failure to my parents, meant I was pretty much adrift.

Numbing myself with drug abuse to avoid the insecurities was unfortunately the path I took. This is most definitely not to be recommended.

Drugs filled an emotional void for me; providing a false sense of happiness.

 It is nearly 30 years since I stopped using drugs;and their effects still linger on. My Meditation practice has enabled me to eradicate vast amounts of the damage done. It has also shown me very clearly, that drugs only delay the time when you have to face your own inner demons.

Excessive drug or alcohol use at this time of your development simply stops a crucial period of growth. It may start up later, but then again if the damage is too great it won’t.

Changing the past is impossible. Regrets, remorse or blaming are useless emotions which will only delay any recovery.

Attempting to ensure your actions to both yourself, and all others, are benevolent will lead towards a future you can enjoy.

Choosing oblivion is a very easy course to take. Choosing not to allows you to shine.

 Would you have the courage to refuse to get stoned or drunk?

 If you do get stoned or drunk, would you have the courage to back up, and support, a friend who was getting ridiculed for choosing not to?

Are you facing the future happily and confidently?

 PIECE OF MIND

 The act of living is a very complex process. We are buffeted and affected by events and pressures on so many different levels.

While some of these are obvious, and can be worked through or altered, there are a lot of others that are either on a subconscious level, or due to external events totally beyond our means of avoiding.

The subconscious pressures can be the most devastating. Our lack of ability to recognise these, or deal with them correctly,leads us in to actions which increases the way they impact on our lives.

This is then likely to create a cycle of events where the myth starts to become the reality. When this begins to happen many of the pieces that make up our life jigsaw either never get the chance to be put in place , or are removed and lost.

The longer this process goes on the more difficult it can be to break the cycle, and things start to get a bit on the overwhelming side.

Struggling to find, or maintain, your direction in life when  all the pieces you need to complete the picture just don’t seem to be there, isn’t easy. Insecurities start to multiply. Lack of self confidence,low self esteem and depression are common results.

Many people face this dilemma; due to a variety of circumstances. For some it starts from a very early age; while for others it is brought on by a sudden trauma.

Childhood trauma,lack of education,illness or accident,social upheaval are just a few of the myriad of possible triggers.

No matter what the cause, dealing with the results, and attempting to overcome them, requires the same mental struggle.

The most difficult hurdle to face is the admission that there is something that needs to be addressed or resolved. If you are living with a sense of inferiority then admitting this even to yourself is daunting.

It is important to do this though as this is the start of the healing process. Acknowledgment allows a more objective mindset to grow.

This helps us accept and let go of events over which we usually had no control. The act of letting go is what starts raising our self esteem. Without doing this the tendency to feel a victim or the cause of your own problems can never be truly overcome.

Life circumstances might be far from ideal; but it is still possible to feel worthwhile and secure within yourself. The more you are able to let go of the stronger your sense of self becomes. This is the only criteria by which you should measure your progress.

Our natural desire for acceptance means we have often conditioned ourselves to place other peoples opinion or judgment of us above our own.

The only person who truly knows where you are at is you. Trust this person above all others.

The ability to smile and keep a light heart even when times are tough is the most valuable thing you can achieve in life.

Expecting an easy ride through life is a total pipe dream. Learning to develop your inner core of peace and happiness will enable you to ride out the storms without getting overwhelmed.

 My Tale
Painted in 1985 when I was coming out of what were probably some of my worst years. The psychological withdrawal from my drug years was a lot more difficult and prolonged than the physical withdrawals. My life to this period had most certainly removed some pretty important pieces from the jigsaw.

 Obviously I hadn’t totally screwed my spiritual perspective though. I understood on an intellectual level the value of being able to stay happy in the midst of disaster. I did put the beginnings of a smile on the dude after all!!

It would take me another 20 years of pretty intensive effort though before I could say that my experience began to match my intellect. If I had not fallen in to the drug trap I would still have had to overcome all the insecurities I had developed early in life.They would not have been so completely buried though, and the process would have no doubt been a lot quicker.

Always one of my favourite work and one of the few paintings whose location I am still aware of. It managed to survive my periods of artwork destruction .

I thought I had handled the concept pretty well, though my painting skills had not enabled me to do some of the things I had would have liked.

This is the painting I used to make the video on my home page. Colour. Sepia, Black and White prints in a range of sizes are available at http://phantompharoah.deviantart.com/

Continuing with my artwork and then starting my Meditation journey was how I have managed to begin rebuilding the jigsaw.

Do you have a method or process that has helped you to rebuild from any sort of emotional trauma?

Different things work for different people. If you would like to share what helped you please do. It could help change another persons life.

If so email me at phantompharoah(at)gmail(dot)com

I AM ME

 Sexual stereotyping can be a confusing issue for many people. It is not only a question of hetero or homo sexual tendencies.

The expected gender behavior patterns are deeply entrenched in most societies. Acting in a manner outside of these patterns leads to distrust or ridicule.

Even heterosexual people have a combination of gender attributes to some degree. Those of the opposite sex are expected to be suppressed, so as not to upset the accepted rules.

For males not interested in portraying any sort of macho image this can create problems.

No matter what your gender or sexual orientation; the bottom line is you are a human being. Everyone of us has the same basic needs. We all want to be loved, and accepted for who we are. We need shelter, and sufficient security to find our own unique role in life. Each of us is of equal value; no matter what our circumstances, or where we stand in the social pecking order. 

 In 1985 when this was painted society was going through one of its periodic witch hunts.

In this case it was a time when males were getting blamed for every ill that was in society. Male chauvinism was the buzz word, and it seemed that every one of us was on the verge of domestic violence and child molestation. It was never considered that women also held a degree of responsibility for the general social breakdown that was occurring.

The unequal treatment and devaluing of a womens role in society was an issue that definitely needed to be addressed.  The earlier Womens Lib movement had at least bought some of the issues in to focus.

As is usual when a part of society starts to get its legitimate rights back, the pendulum swings too far the opposite way. Instead of reaching an equal importance compromise; it turned in to a different and better attitude.

I don’t dispute that there are male predators. Males do also carry out most acts of domestic violence. This however is still only half the story.

There are also female predators. Their actions and the damage they cause is usually more in the emotional or psychological area. The results of this can be as equally devastating as actual physical abuse. They don’t get the same press though.

I suspect this is because most males would refuse to admit any sort of weakness in these areas.

What this witch hunt mentality did was to increase the feeling of alienation within society at large. The equally important roles of the sexes was being ignored; creating a society where nobody was sure what role they could play, without having some sort of disapproving label stuck on them. This applied to both sexes.

Being female meant if you wanted to be a home maker, and focus on raising your kids, you were denying your potential; and being a drudge, or male slave.

 Being male meant you could no longer safely help an unknown child in distress; no matter how innocent the situation.Showing affection to a child,especially a young girl,was highly suspicious behaviour. 

It therefore became very rare for a child to experience kindness and support from any male not within a very limited family circle. As the adult male population had to ignore situations where they may have been able to give assistance, the general state of distrust within the community just increased. Children never learned that it was possible to ask and receive help from both sexes if they were careful.

My Tale

 Personal insecurities had meant my relationships had not been very successful, and I had allowed myself to be very battered emotionally by them.

 Never having considered a woman to be of less importance; and having an abhorrence of violence in any form;to find myself being suspected of both, and unable to work out what  male role I was expected to play; I simply gave up on  sexual politics.  

Not wanting to engage in the battle of the sexes; I  basically decided to try and become asexual, or androgynous.  This state does become natural after prolonged spiritual practice; at the time I took this attitude though, it was really avoidance; and a way of protecting myself from further emotionally bruising.

Instead of learning to get stronger emotionally; I buried myself in my artwork, with the intensity of a workaholic. Although it enabled me to focus totally on my artwork, it prevented me from dealing with a lot of the emotional problems I had. It wasn’t until I started doing Meditation that I began to overcome these.
After nearly 20 years I feel I have got rid of the majority of the emotional garbage I built up. I am now comfortable with a state of semi androgyny. The continuation or not of this situation is no longer an issue.

  Has your sexual identity or orientation caused you problems?

Want to share your story?

If you wish to contribute to this site please email me 

 phantompharoah(at)gmail(dot)com