phantompharoah

 

Coping With Loss or Grief 

Nobody goes through life without experiencing a number of situations where they have to deal with the emotions of loss or grief. How well they are dealt with, and the long term emotional effects on a person, will depend very much on how secure that person feels within themselves and how effectively it is dealt with at the emotional level.

Meditation practice is very beneficial in enabling a person to weather these events in a manner which reduces the psychological effects they can often induce.

Change of circumstances is something that the majority of people are uncomfortable with; even though it is a reality of life. Loss or grief is often accompanied by a major alteration to how we live.

Death of a loved one is a major trauma, but there are many other life events which will create the same emotional turmoil such as-

Relocation

Divorce

Injury or loss of health

War / civil unrest

Changing schools/loss of friends

Coping healthily with any of these situations requires the ability to let go of the past and move on. This may sound like a rather basic statement but a great many people are unable to do this successfully. 

Getting through normal activities.

Unless a serious personal injury or sickness is involved most people manage to adapt to any physical changes due to loss fairly quickly.

Keeping motivated may require some serious self prodding initially.

Support from friends and family is highly beneficial at these times but is unfortunately not always there, or available.

Maintaining routines and personal interests as much as possible allows for a gentler sense of change as well as permitting adaption to any areas which may have been greatly affected.

Keeping busy or taking on new activities and responsibilities is important; as it keeps up a sense of purpose and life interest.

This should not be taken too far though. By keeping yourself so busy that you never have the time or energy to reflect on any sense of loss simply puts a heavy lid on any emotional hurt you may be feeling. This will eventually resurface and cloud your ability to deal with future situations.

It is emotional damage which has the most long lasting effects. 

Grief and the emotions

The old saying that time heals sticks around simply because it is true; but for grief or loss to pass healthily it has to be dealt with at the emotional level. The external face people show the world is often the total opposite to what is going on in their subconscious.

It is very easy, and common, for the mind to become like a stuck record or tape loop when it has received an emotional shock. This is very detrimental; and the fact that it usually selects negative aspects of the situation to dwell on and repeat makes it even worse. Once started it can be very difficult to stop. Allowing it to continue for any length of time reinforces these thought patterns at an emotional level affecting your whole attitude to life.

This does not mean that you should try and shut out any thoughts about the situation as this is a form of denial; causing its own set of emotional problems.

Grief or loss can trigger deep seated insecurities leading to a spiral of low self esteem or self worth. Unfortunately many people judge their sense of worth, or identity, on external objects; be these material possessions or family / spouse. For these people a loss of such comes as a total removal of their life purpose and recovery can be very slow; possibly affecting them for the rest of their lives. Prolonged periods of depression can be a result of this.

Being prepared to reflect on your emotions at these time helps the healing process. What is most important for a persons future well being is that they make the effort to switch their mind to finding the most positive aspects of the situation.

Sadness, hurt, betrayal,fear, and a whole range of other negative emotions are normal; depending on the situation. Accept and acknowledge them for what they are but do not dwell on them.

It is not an easy concept to grasp but what may seem like a disaster can be the opportunity you need to grow in a totally new direction. If you make this mental shift it will start bringing back your sense of self and purpose.

The stronger a persons sense of self identity ( not ego) is, the more rapidly they are able to adapt to emotional traumas. 

How Meditation practice helps

Establishing a Meditation practice in your life definitely helps in coping with loss or grief situations healthily. Regular practice gives you the ability to more readily recognise and change negative thought patterns which are prone to arise.

Long term practice also evens out your emotional responses; preventing a situation from becoming overwhelming. Non practitioners often see this as a negative attribute; they think it takes all the spice out of life. This is not the case. It does not prevent you from feeling happy or sad.

What it does do is enable you to accept the ups and downs of life, let them go,and move on without being overwhelmed or creating more emotional baggage to carry around.

Meditation practice increases a persons capacity for self reliance; improving their self identity and esteem. It is this which enables them to move on from traumas more rapidly.

There are many different types of Meditation most of which will be beneficial to some degree as long as they are developing and reaffirming positive thought patterns. All will require dedicated practice to be truly beneficial.

As with most things prevention is better than cure. Having an established practice will help you deal with traumas a lot easier than starting after them.

It is often the very trauma itself though that makes someone want to start meditating. This is in itself a positive action and is a definite step in the right direction for improving your future well being.

The Meditation which I have practiced for nearly 20 years is Vipassana; as taught by SN Goenka.

This is very powerful though extremely simple. In my opinion it is by far the most long term effective Meditation.

A caution

These courses can be very intense, so I would recommend that anyone who may have suffered a recent loss which has had a strong emotional impact delays attending until approx 6 months after the event; to allow emotions to subside.  

PERSONAL EXPERIENCE  

I recently went through a loss situation which involved facing a total change of lifestyle.

Having spent about 6 years in almost total solitude doing nothing but sculpting and Meditation I had to leave my studio; losing my ability to produce artwork, and relocate.

It was by no means the first radical change of direction I had taken, and would be the second time I had to walk away from the artwork; which was pretty much the main focus to my life.

With no money and at 58 years old it was not a particularly inspiring prospect. It was this very fact that has finally started to rid me of various insecurities I have carried around all my life.

For about a 6 month period I had serious bouts of self doubt and depression, which made functioning very difficult at times.

It was here that my long term Meditation practice came to my assistance. Even when things got pretty bad I was able to recognise and observe what was happening; without getting totally overwhelmed.

This ability to observe things in a detached way is what is necessary to eradicate the negative emotions.

It was an extremely intense experience; but it has given me a very clear understanding of how badly both fear and self doubt affect the mind and body; along with the debilitating effects of severe depression.

I know I still have a great many fears etc to get rid of, but the sense of release and well being that has developed is very special. I know what has gone will not return. This applies particularly to the tendency towards depression. Whatever situations may arise in future they will not trigger any further bouts of depression; the cause has been removed. 

Meditation does not prevent you from having negative experiences; but it does give you the power to really grow from them at a very deep and personal level.

It is always a work in progress, and the more it progresses the greater the benefits. 

Please feel free to comment if you wish. If you have any questions I can be contacted at the email below. 

 

phantompharoah(at)gmail(dot)com