phantompharoah

 

It was dark when he woke up. This was not new. For three days it had been the same now. 

It wasn’t as if the sun wasn’t up. His alarm clock, which he hadn’t set, told him it was 11am. There was a much brighter strip on the carpet which he assumed meant it was probably what others called a nice day outside. 

This brightness altered nothing. His darkness enveloped him with a texture he could feel. From head to toe it was a murky dead weight. It seemed to coagulate in a lump in the center of his chest. This lump had a life of its own; like an alien invader it pulsed and expanded.  

At least the pressure bands around his chest that gripped him like a wine barrel seemed to prevent the thing from escaping.

Suddenly it gained weight at such an alarming rate he was sure he would smother.

He curled up in a ball and began to whimper. 

All this had started a few weeks previously. He knew his body well enough to know he wasn’t sick. It had not been too bad initially but things seemed to be getting worse and lasting longer.

 He looked around the room. Surely it was smaller than it used to be. The buttons on the armchair stared back at him balefully. 

As far as he could tell he had no reason to feel this bad. There had certainly been downer periods before but this was something else again.

He was still healthy enough and life was no different than it had been for years.

Any sort of emotional upheavals were way in the past. 

There were a lot of things he felt he should be doing but the connections wouldn’t go through. For some reason he couldn’t even complete a thought. Every sentence he started disappeared in to a sort of fog in his head without being completed. This was something totally new and was beginning to get to him. The sense of dislocation was unnerving. It was as if he no longer had any control over anything. How could he motivate himself to do something if he couldn’t communicate with himself? 

With a sense of frustration he pulled the blankets over his head. This solved nothing he knew, but somehow it made him feel safe.  

The clock recorded that the day had moved on four more hours when he surfaced and opened one eye to look. There had been a break in the fog in his head.

He slowly sat up. Tentatively he eyed up the walls and the malevolent armchair. The room seemed more spacious. This was a good sign. The buttons on the armchair flickered a bit but they had lost that deep red glow. 

There was still a weight in his chest and the bands around it were still there but it had definitely eased. 

Breathing a relieved sigh he got up and went about making himself a coffee. This had been a bad one. How much worse could it get? 

He picked up his coffee and went over to the armchair. The buttons flared briefly then went dull before he sat down. 

Sipping his coffee he tried to think it over. It still made no sense to him. About the only thing that seemed consistent was that he felt bad when he woke up. It didn’t seem to develop during the day. Another thing was that it always got worse as soon as he began worrying about what was happening. 

This didn’t help him understand what was causing the problem any better but recognising this latter characteristic made him realise he probably had the ability to fight it.

He had been doing meditation seriously for years and it had helped him through some pretty tough experiences before. It should work with this. 

Through Meditation he knew that sensations were only sensations. They constantly came and went. Reacting to them helped make them stronger.  

It fitted with what was occuring. This stuff was real unpleasant so he was doing whatever he could to avoid it. What he was doing obviously wasn’t working. Instead of lessening things were getting more intense. 

Some pretty horrendous pain sensations; which had almost become unbearable, had arisen during Meditation previously. Still they had definitely passed eventually; and no longer occurred. He knew his life had been greatly improved by it.

His intellect had helped him to make the physical pain relatively easy to deal with though. There was no way simply sitting and Meditating could do any serious physical damage no matter how bad it felt at the time. 

These sensations were on a totally different level altogether; they were seriously scary.  

Eradicating these things was not a rapid affair. He knew that these intense sensations had very deep roots. They also often got more intense before eventually weakening.  

He considered his options. 

Just giving in and riding out these episodes as they occurred might be possible. However he had no idea how severe they would become. Trying to function in any sort of normal fashion simply wasn’t possible when they started.  

Seeking Medical advice didn’t appeal. He was sure he wasn’t a clinical case; not yet anyway. If it got worse, and he found he had no way of dealing with things, he might have to do this. 

Attempting to Meditate his way out of it certainly seemed the best option in his circumstances. This had always proved beneficial in the past. 

Whatever was happening obviously had the capacity of taking over how he lived his life. He had no wish for this to happen.

There was nothing to lose and possibly a great deal to be gained by trying to fight it himself.

Would he have the strength and will power to do it though? It could take a very long time. He was very scared at the prospect of what would happen when he began opening this can of worms. 

Getting up from the chair he set about preparing to go out. He felt the buttons on the chair following his every move. 

He woke the next morning with a massive heaviness in the center of his chest. This made him very nervous. I really don’t want to do this he thought. I’ll try tomorrow, maybe it won’t be so strong.

The feeling intensified.

You bastard he thought. I really have had enough of this.

He had no way of knowing how long or severe this was going to be as he managed to force himself to sit up. It required a lot of determination to do so. 

Closing his eyes, he began his Meditation practice by focusing his attention on his breathing. The weight in his chest was still very much there but he gave it less importance and concentrated as much as he could on his breath. He continued doing this until he felt somewhat calmer.

Gently he tried taking his focus to his chest area. The desire to just lie down and curl up was very strong; but he fought it and continued focusing on the sensations he was feeling in as detached a way as he could. 

Maintaining this detachment wasn’t easy. Thinking of it as a specimen under a microscope helped. He analysed how big it was, and noted whatever different characteristics it seemed to have.

The sensation began to grow. The weight in his chest felt enormous and his throat began to feel as if it was contracting. It was very much like he was suffocating. Panic began to set in.

The desire to get up and run, move; or do anything but be where he was was extreme. He couldn’t handle it. He rocked forward and buried his head in his hands wondering what to do. Somehow his mind came to help him. The suffocating sensation was intense; but his mind switched itself back to his breathing. 

He became aware that his breath was continuing to go in and out quietly. Shouldn’t he be gasping for air if he was suffocating?

Realising this enabled him to sit back up and resume observing what was happening. The sensations continued building until he felt they would totally overwhelm him.

His breathing altered at times. Sometimes it was rapid and short; but he noticed that even this was just a natural thing. It still wasn’t a desperate need for air. There was no need to panic or worry. Just observe and accept it. 

It seemed to go on for ever when suddenly the build up stopped. It paused at a sort of crescendo and held. His breathing also seemed to stop. How long this lasted he couldn’t tell. Without warning it all changed. The intense sinking sensation went and he felt something else begin to grow in the center of his chest.

This was an opposite sort of sensation. Instead of sinking it was like an expanding balloon. While this expanded an intense cramp started in his left calf. This got so bad he had to move his leg around to try and ease it. The expansion and cramp peaked and held just as the previous sensation had done. 

Suddenly there was an audible crack in his chest; followed by a series of clicks down his spine. After this everything literally seemed to start dissolving. The cramp disappeared. The expanding sensation had peaked with the feeling of enormous internal pressure. This deflated in a series of clearly felt waves. There was no trace of the weight or pressure when this all subsided. He actually felt physically lighter. 

He sat for a while longer and the unpleasantness didn’t return. With an enormous sense of relief he got up. He noted it had all lasted about an hour and a half. He knew this was just the first round in a long fight; but he now knew he had the ability to face it. He could at least get on with his day now. 

He glanced at the armchair. The buttons had a skeptical look about them. 

Over the next few months he faced this sort of experience almost daily. Each time it was intense and potentially frightening.

The type of unpleasant sensations varied. At times he felt he was being sucked in to an enormous black hole in the pit of his stomach. Pressure and leg cramps were common. Things often built to a point he could only describe to himself as naked fear.

Staying detached here was hardest; but like everything else he found that no matter how scary it felt this also dissolved. Deep seated fears were obviously at the base of these sensations. To remove the problem he had to face these. 

He had to learn different ways of coping. Often he could do more than curl himself in a tight ball under the blankets. When this happened he still tried to make himself look at the situation dispassionately. Being able to accept what was going on without any sense of failure or futility was important. He was doing the best he could; and it was enough. 

Another strategy he used was to go and find some one to talk to, or just go for a walk. The sensations usually continued despite these distractions but were not nearly as intense.

Each time he passed through one of these episodes the sensation of physical lightening increased. Occasionally a deep sense of compassion for fellow depression sufferers would well up while he was in the middle of some horrendous feeling. This was a very pleasurable experience.

His general sense of well being was increasing enormously. It was not something that wore off. He actually found himself beginning to look forward to the process. The sense of ongoing relief was so great. 

He developed another technique he found worked very well. When an intense sensation arose he mentally opened himself to it; welcoming it as an old friend. In whatever way he could he tried to feel sympathy and compassion towards it. Thinking about a pet cat he had years ago helped him here. He often found himself smiling gently despite his body feeling decidedly unpleasant.

Maintaining this way of thinking and feeling towards what was going on removed any tendency to feel negative about it: and speeded up the dissolving process. It also helped reinforce his understanding that the sensations had no ability to do him any actual harm. 

Gradually he noticed that the sensations were present for less time; and their strength was considerably less. At times something new would start with great intensity. When this happened he had to make sure that thoughts of wasting his time and being back to square one were given no merit. There will always be something new arising. The healing process is an ongoing thing. New things are a good sign. It means the old stuff has gone and something else is now able to be got rid of. 

Nearly a year had passed since he had first started using his Meditation techniques to help him with his depressive episodes. When he had started they had become a daily event. What had become familiar sensations had not bothered him for over six weeks now. To say he felt a lot better was a major understatement. His sense of release and physical lightness were profound. 

Going through the process had been difficult and unpleasant. What the exact emotions or fears that had caused the initial depression were he had no real idea. It was irrelevant anyway they were gone. He knew at a very deep level that they had been totally removed from his system. 

With a smile he looked across at the armchair. It smiled back at him and its buttons twinkled. 

 

CAUTIONS FROM THE AUTHOR

 

Only attempt this sort of Meditation if you are ready for it. 

The Meditation I refer to and use is Vipassana or Insight Meditation. 

This is a very powerful process and the previous account is based on my actual experience. In no way though does it convey the true depth or extent of it. Any person who has suffered a severe depressive episode will know they are not to be treated lightly. 

The Meditation technique is very simple though mastering it takes time and effort. Anyone is capable of doing it and benefiting. People who may suffer from mild depressive episodes should have no problems. Attending a Meditation retreat will provide a greater understanding of the technique. 

 Anyone who suffers panic attacks or who is under treatment or medication for clinical depression should never attempt trying to do this alone. 

Working with a trained counselor or therapist is advised. 

I do not know the many different forms of counseling or therapy available. Cognitive Behaviour Therapy is one that appears to use a similar process.  I have no experience or training in this area though. There may be other forms of treatment along these lines. 

Anyone who needs Medical assistance for their condition should not attempt a Vipassana Meditation course as a replacement for this assistance, or before their personal situation is relatively stable.  

There are gentler forms of Meditation which would be more suitable to people for whom Vipassana would be far too intense initially.

Yoga,TM, and any of the many forms of positive affirmation mind training courses will be of enormous benefit and help bring about a more stable and happier way of living.

Vipassana is still the only technique I know of that has the ability to totally remove the many emotional / psychological problems we all carry around. 

Learning to observe what you are feeling with detachment and acceptance takes time.

It is definitely not how most of us normally think or act. This is especially true when people are depressed and low self esteem etc are prevalent; being detached and accepting of yourself is not easily contemplated or achieved. It requires a very determined attitude to change how things are. 

There are no instant cures,but everyone has the power within them to bring it about.  

I have a daily Meditation routine of at least 2 hours a day and had nearly 20 years of serious Meditation experience behind me when I encountered this situation. Consequently my ability to remain dispassionate about what was happening had been greatly improved. It was this experience which enabled me to go through this process alone.

The depressive episode was part of my ongoing process; so the fact that it passed completely in less than a year, and with such intensity, is only relevant to my situation. 

Gaining benefits does not require the commitment that I have put in; but it is very much a case of getting back what you put in.

Any effort put in to altering how a person feels about themselves is beneficial. 

Depending on your personal situation this process may never get rid of depressive bouts totally. Learning to treat yourself kindly and face them bravely will give a lot of relief from their affects though and their impact will diminish.  

Throughout the process suicidal plans and thoughts were common.

Past emotional experiences also arose at times. My ability to accept these for what they were, and just let them pass, meant they had no detrimental effect on me.

Without doing this there was a very real danger these could have had disastrous consequences.

It is very important to realise whenever anything like this arises that it is given no value. Accept and acknowledge any negative thoughts; then let them go. Do not try to block them, or begin judging yourself by them. They are just thoughts; nothing more. The fact you are having them means nothing. It doesn’t make you any sort of lesser person. The mind can and does throw up some very strange things. Letting it flow through does no harm. Damming it or dwelling on these does. 

Anyone prone to suicidal tendencies / self harm, or with serious emotional traumas in their history, should have support present and be very careful about going too deeply with this process. 

Everyone experiences things differently

We are each unique and what manifests and how we deal with it will depend on what we have experienced.

The sensations of knots in the stomach / weight, tightness or pain in the chest / constriction of the throat / panic and a deep sense of futility seem fairly common to depression though.

Fear is pretty universal, and easily recognised.

These sensations can get raised to extreme proportions.

Being subject to panic attacks could cause difficulties. Trying to overcome this by other means first would make make an occurrence less likely when faced with intense unpleasant sensations or fear.

No matter how intense or painful anything got, everything passed; and no physical or mental harm ever resulted.