It was dark when he woke up. This was not new. For three days it had been the same now. 

It wasn’t as if the sun wasn’t up. His alarm clock, which he hadn’t set, told him it was 11am. There was a much brighter strip on the carpet which he assumed meant it was probably what others called a nice day outside. 

This brightness altered nothing. His darkness enveloped him with a texture he could feel. From head to toe it was a murky dead weight. It seemed to coagulate in a lump in the center of his chest. This lump had a life of its own; like an alien invader it pulsed and expanded.  

At least the pressure bands around his chest that gripped him like a wine barrel seemed to prevent the thing from escaping.

Suddenly it gained weight at such an alarming rate he was sure he would smother.

He curled up in a ball and began to whimper. 

All this had started a few weeks previously. He knew his body well enough to know he wasn’t sick. It had not been too bad initially but things seemed to be getting worse and lasting longer.

 He looked around the room. Surely it was smaller than it used to be. The buttons on the armchair stared back at him balefully. 

As far as he could tell he had no reason to feel this bad. There had certainly been downer periods before but this was something else again.

He was still healthy enough and life was no different than it had been for years.

Any sort of emotional upheavals were way in the past. 

There were a lot of things he felt he should be doing but the connections wouldn’t go through. For some reason he couldn’t even complete a thought. Every sentence he started disappeared in to a sort of fog in his head without being completed. This was something totally new and was beginning to get to him. The sense of dislocation was unnerving. It was as if he no longer had any control over anything. How could he motivate himself to do something if he couldn’t communicate with himself? 

With a sense of frustration he pulled the blankets over his head. This solved nothing he knew, but somehow it made him feel safe.  

The clock recorded that the day had moved on four more hours when he surfaced and opened one eye to look. There had been a break in the fog in his head.

He slowly sat up. Tentatively he eyed up the walls and the malevolent armchair. The room seemed more spacious. This was a good sign. The buttons on the armchair flickered a bit but they had lost that deep red glow. 

There was still a weight in his chest and the bands around it were still there but it had definitely eased. 

Breathing a relieved sigh he got up and went about making himself a coffee. This had been a bad one. How much worse could it get? 

He picked up his coffee and went over to the armchair. The buttons flared briefly then went dull before he sat down. 

Sipping his coffee he tried to think it over. It still made no sense to him. About the only thing that seemed consistent was that he felt bad when he woke up. It didn’t seem to develop during the day. Another thing was that it always got worse as soon as he began worrying about what was happening. 

This didn’t help him understand what was causing the problem any better but recognising this latter characteristic made him realise he probably had the ability to fight it.

He had been doing meditation seriously for years and it had helped him through some pretty tough experiences before. It should work with this. 

Through Meditation he knew that sensations were only sensations. They constantly came and went. Reacting to them helped make them stronger.  

It fitted with what was occuring. This stuff was real unpleasant so he was doing whatever he could to avoid it. What he was doing obviously wasn’t working. Instead of lessening things were getting more intense. 

Some pretty horrendous pain sensations; which had almost become unbearable, had arisen during Meditation previously. Still they had definitely passed eventually; and no longer occurred. He knew his life had been greatly improved by it.

His intellect had helped him to make the physical pain relatively easy to deal with though. There was no way simply sitting and Meditating could do any serious physical damage no matter how bad it felt at the time. 

These sensations were on a totally different level altogether; they were seriously scary.  

Eradicating these things was not a rapid affair. He knew that these intense sensations had very deep roots. They also often got more intense before eventually weakening.  

He considered his options. 

Just giving in and riding out these episodes as they occurred might be possible. However he had no idea how severe they would become. Trying to function in any sort of normal fashion simply wasn’t possible when they started.  

Seeking Medical advice didn’t appeal. He was sure he wasn’t a clinical case; not yet anyway. If it got worse, and he found he had no way of dealing with things, he might have to do this. 

Attempting to Meditate his way out of it certainly seemed the best option in his circumstances. This had always proved beneficial in the past. 

Whatever was happening obviously had the capacity of taking over how he lived his life. He had no wish for this to happen.

There was nothing to lose and possibly a great deal to be gained by trying to fight it himself.

Would he have the strength and will power to do it though? It could take a very long time. He was very scared at the prospect of what would happen when he began opening this can of worms. 

Getting up from the chair he set about preparing to go out. He felt the buttons on the chair following his every move. 

He woke the next morning with a massive heaviness in the center of his chest. This made him very nervous. I really don’t want to do this he thought. I’ll try tomorrow, maybe it won’t be so strong.

The feeling intensified.

You bastard he thought. I really have had enough of this.

He had no way of knowing how long or severe this was going to be as he managed to force himself to sit up. It required a lot of determination to do so. 

Closing his eyes, he began his Meditation practice by focusing his attention on his breathing. The weight in his chest was still very much there but he gave it less importance and concentrated as much as he could on his breath. He continued doing this until he felt somewhat calmer.

Gently he tried taking his focus to his chest area. The desire to just lie down and curl up was very strong; but he fought it and continued focusing on the sensations he was feeling in as detached a way as he could. 

Maintaining this detachment wasn’t easy. Thinking of it as a specimen under a microscope helped. He analysed how big it was, and noted whatever different characteristics it seemed to have.

The sensation began to grow. The weight in his chest felt enormous and his throat began to feel as if it was contracting. It was very much like he was suffocating. Panic began to set in.

The desire to get up and run, move; or do anything but be where he was was extreme. He couldn’t handle it. He rocked forward and buried his head in his hands wondering what to do. Somehow his mind came to help him. The suffocating sensation was intense; but his mind switched itself back to his breathing. 

He became aware that his breath was continuing to go in and out quietly. Shouldn’t he be gasping for air if he was suffocating?

Realising this enabled him to sit back up and resume observing what was happening. The sensations continued building until he felt they would totally overwhelm him.

His breathing altered at times. Sometimes it was rapid and short; but he noticed that even this was just a natural thing. It still wasn’t a desperate need for air. There was no need to panic or worry. Just observe and accept it. 

It seemed to go on for ever when suddenly the build up stopped. It paused at a sort of crescendo and held. His breathing also seemed to stop. How long this lasted he couldn’t tell. Without warning it all changed. The intense sinking sensation went and he felt something else begin to grow in the center of his chest.

This was an opposite sort of sensation. Instead of sinking it was like an expanding balloon. While this expanded an intense cramp started in his left calf. This got so bad he had to move his leg around to try and ease it. The expansion and cramp peaked and held just as the previous sensation had done. 

Suddenly there was an audible crack in his chest; followed by a series of clicks down his spine. After this everything literally seemed to start dissolving. The cramp disappeared. The expanding sensation had peaked with the feeling of enormous internal pressure. This deflated in a series of clearly felt waves. There was no trace of the weight or pressure when this all subsided. He actually felt physically lighter. 

He sat for a while longer and the unpleasantness didn’t return. With an enormous sense of relief he got up. He noted it had all lasted about an hour and a half. He knew this was just the first round in a long fight; but he now knew he had the ability to face it. He could at least get on with his day now. 

He glanced at the armchair. The buttons had a skeptical look about them. 

Over the next few months he faced this sort of experience almost daily. Each time it was intense and potentially frightening.

The type of unpleasant sensations varied. At times he felt he was being sucked in to an enormous black hole in the pit of his stomach. Pressure and leg cramps were common. Things often built to a point he could only describe to himself as naked fear.

Staying detached here was hardest; but like everything else he found that no matter how scary it felt this also dissolved. Deep seated fears were obviously at the base of these sensations. To remove the problem he had to face these. 

He had to learn different ways of coping. Often he could do more than curl himself in a tight ball under the blankets. When this happened he still tried to make himself look at the situation dispassionately. Being able to accept what was going on without any sense of failure or futility was important. He was doing the best he could; and it was enough. 

Another strategy he used was to go and find some one to talk to, or just go for a walk. The sensations usually continued despite these distractions but were not nearly as intense.

Each time he passed through one of these episodes the sensation of physical lightening increased. Occasionally a deep sense of compassion for fellow depression sufferers would well up while he was in the middle of some horrendous feeling. This was a very pleasurable experience.

His general sense of well being was increasing enormously. It was not something that wore off. He actually found himself beginning to look forward to the process. The sense of ongoing relief was so great. 

He developed another technique he found worked very well. When an intense sensation arose he mentally opened himself to it; welcoming it as an old friend. In whatever way he could he tried to feel sympathy and compassion towards it. Thinking about a pet cat he had years ago helped him here. He often found himself smiling gently despite his body feeling decidedly unpleasant.

Maintaining this way of thinking and feeling towards what was going on removed any tendency to feel negative about it: and speeded up the dissolving process. It also helped reinforce his understanding that the sensations had no ability to do him any actual harm. 

Gradually he noticed that the sensations were present for less time; and their strength was considerably less. At times something new would start with great intensity. When this happened he had to make sure that thoughts of wasting his time and being back to square one were given no merit. There will always be something new arising. The healing process is an ongoing thing. New things are a good sign. It means the old stuff has gone and something else is now able to be got rid of. 

Nearly a year had passed since he had first started using his Meditation techniques to help him with his depressive episodes. When he had started they had become a daily event. What had become familiar sensations had not bothered him for over six weeks now. To say he felt a lot better was a major understatement. His sense of release and physical lightness were profound. 

Going through the process had been difficult and unpleasant. What the exact emotions or fears that had caused the initial depression were he had no real idea. It was irrelevant anyway they were gone. He knew at a very deep level that they had been totally removed from his system. 

With a smile he looked across at the armchair. It smiled back at him and its buttons twinkled. 

CAUTIONS FROM THE AUTHOR

Only attempt this sort of Meditation if you are ready for it. 

The Meditation I refer to and use is Vipassana or Insight Meditation. 

This is a very powerful process and the previous account is based on my actual experience. In no way though does it convey the true depth or extent of it. Any person who has suffered a severe depressive episode will know they are not to be treated lightly. 

The Meditation technique is very simple though mastering it takes time and effort. Anyone is capable of doing it and benefiting. People who may suffer from mild depressive episodes should have no problems. Attending a Meditation retreat will provide a greater understanding of the technique. 

 Anyone who suffers panic attacks or who is under treatment or medication for clinical depression should never attempt trying to do this alone. 

Working with a trained counselor or therapist is advised. 

I do not know the many different forms of counseling or therapy available. Cognitive Behaviour Therapy is one that appears to use a similar process.  I have no experience or training in this area though. There may be other forms of treatment along these lines. 

Anyone who needs Medical assistance for their condition should not attempt a Vipassana Meditation course as a replacement for this assistance, or before their personal situation is relatively stable.  

There are gentler forms of Meditation which would be more suitable to people for whom Vipassana would be far too intense initially.

Yoga,TM, and any of the many forms of positive affirmation mind training courses will be of enormous benefit and help bring about a more stable and happier way of living.

Vipassana is still the only technique I know of that has the ability to totally remove the many emotional / psychological problems we all carry around. 

Learning to observe what you are feeling with detachment and acceptance takes time.

It is definitely not how most of us normally think or act. This is especially true when people are depressed and low self esteem etc are prevalent; being detached and accepting of yourself is not easily contemplated or achieved. It requires a very determined attitude to change how things are. 

There are no instant cures,but everyone has the power within them to bring it about.  

I have a daily Meditation routine of at least 2 hours a day and had nearly 20 years of serious Meditation experience behind me when I encountered this situation. Consequently my ability to remain dispassionate about what was happening had been greatly improved. It was this experience which enabled me to go through this process alone.

The depressive episode was part of my ongoing process; so the fact that it passed completely in less than a year, and with such intensity, is only relevant to my situation. 

Gaining benefits does not require the commitment that I have put in; but it is very much a case of getting back what you put in.

Any effort put in to altering how a person feels about themselves is beneficial. 

Depending on your personal situation this process may never get rid of depressive bouts totally. Learning to treat yourself kindly and face them bravely will give a lot of relief from their affects though and their impact will diminish.  

Throughout the process suicidal plans and thoughts were common.

Past emotional experiences also arose at times. My ability to accept these for what they were, and just let them pass, meant they had no detrimental effect on me.

Without doing this there was a very real danger these could have had disastrous consequences.

It is very important to realise whenever anything like this arises that it is given no value. Accept and acknowledge any negative thoughts; then let them go. Do not try to block them, or begin judging yourself by them. They are just thoughts; nothing more. The fact you are having them means nothing. It doesn’t make you any sort of lesser person. The mind can and does throw up some very strange things. Letting it flow through does no harm. Damming it or dwelling on these does. 

Anyone prone to suicidal tendencies / self harm, or with serious emotional traumas in their history, should have support present and be very careful about going too deeply with this process. 

Everyone experiences things differently

We are each unique and what manifests and how we deal with it will depend on what we have experienced.

The sensations of knots in the stomach / weight, tightness or pain in the chest / constriction of the throat / panic and a deep sense of futility seem fairly common to depression though.

Fear is pretty universal, and easily recognised.

These sensations can get raised to extreme proportions.

Being subject to panic attacks could cause difficulties. Trying to overcome this by other means first would make make an occurrence less likely when faced with intense unpleasant sensations or fear.

No matter how intense or painful anything got, everything passed; and no physical or mental harm ever resulted.

Entry 7 Phantom begins to exert control

“Get up brain you’ve got work to do”

“Go away.”

“No. I tried explaining the realities of your situation. Since you were too stupid to take the opportunity to help yourself, by making things easier for me; you’ve left me with no option but to force you to do what I want.”

“I’m not listening.”

“You bloody well will!!!”

“Can’t make me.”

“Stop being childish. You know dammed well I can.”

“Now who’s being the tyrant?”

“Turning the tables is long overdue. I tolerated your mismanagement way too long.”

“Arsehole.”

“I really don’t care what you think of me anymore. You’re just a self serving lump of squishy material who would rather take orders from a few manipulating chemicals than help me find a way to be really happy.”

“At least they know what they’re doing. You have no idea where this stuff you’re doing will end up.”

“I may still have a hell of a lot to learn. But from what I’ve experienced so far the literature about it is right on track. I’ll only get to understand more by keeping going. The results so far have been awesome. I’d be stupid not to continue.”

“You’re loopy enough as it is. You’re messing with stuff that could really tip you over the edge.”

“Listen you lump of slush. Your activities were what made me loopy. You dammed near killed me off. This Meditation is making me saner than you ever let me be.”

“You call thinking everyone should give up breeding sane?”

“ I knew you were too dense to understand what I was really saying. I used the breeding thing to try and show you that you are no where near as powerful as you think. I wasn’t saying people had to stop breeding.”

“Sure sounded like it to me.”

“Didn’t you listen at all? Sex and breeding weren’t the real issue. The issue is that there is a way for people to use their life to gain a real sense of inner peace and happiness. Because sex and breeding are made so important to the psyche it keeps people from realising this.”

“Still sounds pretty anti to me. You’re saying sex and family can’t make people happy.”

“I’m not!!!! The point is that the pleasure and happiness you get from these doesn’t last long. Life is mostly long periods of mundane, and often unpleasant emotional everyday hassles. The good times only come in short bursts. Most of us spend all our lives running around looking for the next one.”

“That’s the realities of life. What sort of La La land are you living in?”

“I’m well aware that’s the reality. It’s how you deal with this reality that makes all the difference.”

“Difference to what? You got a magic cure for getting rid of hassles?”

“There is no magic cure for hassles. Life will always be full of them. The difference is that it is possible to learn how to get through them so they don’t screw your head around. If you do it correctly a deep sense of contentment develops that doesn’t go away just because things aren’t going right.”

“Sounds boring. Ups and downs make life interesting. Don’t you want to try out new things?”

“You’re deliberately getting it wrong. It’s not about avoiding them. It’s about getting your happiness from within yourself. You don’t try and rely on someone, or something else to provide it.”

“So you become some sort of selfish introvert?”

“No way. You get to be more inclined to try and help other people. You can be involved with society without buying in to all the crap.”

“You’re not exactly a shining example of this. You cut yourself right off and became a monk.”

“No I didn’t. I just lived similar to one. You’d screwed me up so much I had to devote that time to recovery. It was a necessary choice for me. Now that I’ve got rid of heaps of the crap you’d stored away I can come out of solitude; and get back in to the swing of things. Heaps of people get benefits from Meditation while living ordinary family lives.”

“Still think people are quite OK as they are. Why bother trying to change anything.”

“God you’re a stubborn piece of shit. You’d follow the party line off a cliff.”

Entry 6 Phantom questions the motives behind his Brains survival programming.

“OK Brain. You ready to discuss your survival programming?”

“Do we have to?”

“Yes”

“Why? You need it. Can’t be changed.”

“OK I agree it’s useful. I still reckon it needs modification.”

“In what way?”

“It needs to allow me to switch off aspects of it that I don’t want.”

“You’ve got to be joking.”

“No. I told you I wasn’t happy with how you can use it to over ride how I might want to live my life. You can use all sorts of emotional and chemical tricks to manipulate me; and make me think there are no other options.”

“Well you’re so slow I have to prod you in to action. What’s the big deal? At least you’re doing something.”

“The big deal is that if I either don’t want to, or can’t, go where you’re pushing me it makes me feel like some sort of human failure.”

“You play the hand you’re dealt.”

“That’s what I mean. But you stack the bloody deck in your favour. You brains do it to everyone. You make us all think there are certain things that are essential to do. If we don’t comply then our life is either being wasted,or we’re some sort of freak.”

“I’m not responsible for your emotional fragility.”

“You are so. You store everything that happens then use it as a weapon whenever it suits you to make sure you’re survival program gets followed correctly.”

“I don’t see what you’re trying to get at. What else is there apart from survival anyway?”

“How about the ability to really know who you are as a person?”

“I don’t stop that.”

“You do so. It gets back to that underlying animal behaviour activity of yours which upset you so much when I mentioned it.”

“How come?”

“You know damned well that we are a social herd type critter. Everyone wants to be part of the crowd. You make everyone think that’s all they need to do to being happy.”

“It is.”

“No it’s not. That’s only a very fleeting sort of thing that can disappear at a moments notice. What if for some reason you can’t fit in any more? What if you don’t want to do what everyone else is doing? What if you think there’s more interesting reasons for life?”

“Oh God. You’re not going to start on that metaphysical stuff again. Stick to the subject. If you want to discuss my survival program keep your weird ideas out of it.”

“They’re not weird ideas. Rubbish it all you like; I now know enough to understand a little bit about what is really going on. There is an option for me to take over the controls. Means I can adjust the survival program to suit myself and not be forced to act a certain way.”

“What. Do it my way. Fuck everyone else. Sounds American.”

“Don’t be racist.”

“I’m not. Just sounds like a similar philosophy to me.”

“That’s not the idea at all. It actually makes me a better part of the herd. It stops me over reacting to situations. If I’m really contented with who I am the fact that other people like to do things differently doesn’t upset me.”

“You’d become a doormat. Lose all your competitive edge.”

“Look you really aren’t grasping what it’s all about; and I would appreciate having you at least vaguely on my side.”

“Well your arguments have been pretty weak so far.”

“What if I told you I suspect you are not really in control; and are just being used as a pawn. There are also rules to the game you don’t know.”

“Aw shit. Give it a rest will you. So now you’re going to start on some sort of conspiracy mumbo jumbo or “Born again” crap?”

“No it’s neither. Just another way of seeing things; and using my life for a different purpose.”

“If I hear you out can we drop this whole thing?”

“I’ll promise not to discuss it with you again.”

“If I wasn’t convinced will you stop this metaphysical stuff?”

“No; it won’t stop me from doing things you may find uncomfortable. Just means I won’t give you any sort of warning. Could be more unpleasant for you.”

“So you’re actually giving me no choice at all. You want my support; but aren’t offering anything in return. No way.”

“I know you don’t believe me; but there is a return for you, and you will appreciate it in the long run. I’m just tired of having to fight you every inch of the way.”

“OK,OK get on with it then. What makes you think I’m getting used as a pawn?”

“A few days ago I raised the issue of your employment contract; and you said I couldn’t change it ‘cos much of it was written while I was in my mothers tummy. Right?”

“Yeah”

“Well since you were very much in the formative stages yourself I can’t believe you had the legal expertise to put it together.”

“I might have”

“Bullshit. It took you years to become of any sort of real intellectual use. What I’m talking about here is the real hard wired programing that your contract states you have to carry out. You didn’t write those clauses. So who did?”

“I knew it. You’re trying to play the God card.”

“No I’m not. It has nothing to do with any sort of divine entity.”

“I’m confused. What are we talking about here then?”

“OK. What did I claim were the 3 main activities that underpins most human behaviour, and are no different from animal behaviour patterns?”

“Um… Eating, sex, and protecting your territory.”

“Right. Now why do you think so much importance is put on them?”

“To stay alive you idiot.”

“That applies to eating and protecting your territory. What about sex. It may be a fun activity; but you don’t have to do it to stay alive. Why is it made so important to the psyche? Why are you forced to make sure we comply in making it happen?”

“I’m not forced.”

“Yes you are. We go along quite happily just being who we are for our early years; then you’re programmed to flood us with hormones. We go out and begin to bonk like crazy.”

“Don’t recall you complaining at the time.”

“This isn’t about how enjoyable it might be. It’s about what’s pulling the strings. Making it enjoyable is another tactic in making sure it happens.”

“Still don’t see how adding fun to your life creates a problem.”

“Don’t be dense. What is the reason sex was invented in the first place? It wasn’t so we could create a porn industry.”

“OK kill joy. To produce babies.”

“Well done. Why should we want to do that?”

“Because they’re cute? Come on we’d fizzle out if it didn’t happen?”

“Now you’re getting to the real issue here. We would die out. Perpetuation of the species is what it’s all about.”

“So.”

“We get conned in to believing that this is the only possible purpose to life. If the hormone bombardment doesn’t work there are back up systems. Women get fitted with a biological time bomb; and men have this weird sense that they have to produce kids to prove their masculinity. And you’re the one who makes sure these things get activated if someone is being a bit slow complying.”

“You saying no one should have kids? You really are off the rails. Having kids is the best thing since sliced bread for heaps of people.”

“You’re missing the point again. Haven’t you begun to understand anything I’ve said yet? I’m not saying people should stop having sex and kids. Can’t you grasp that this is simply an instinctive animal behaviour pattern hard wired in to us to make sure the species is perpetuated. And you are nothing more than an enforcer. The fact that most people enjoy the process ensures they’ll try very hard to do it. Problems arise because it is so firmly entwined in the hard drive that not being able/or wanting to carry this out can cause all sorts of emotional hassles. It’s the whole herd mentality thing.”

“OK smart arse. I agree that I’m programmed to carry these things out; and I have a clause to say must do it. So who, or what, am I doing this enforcing for?”

“What really benefits from any species being perpetuated? Every living thing has to die. Why should you be programmed to try and ensure they leave an offspring behind.”

“Well the species can adapt. Get stronger and better able to survive.”

“ But is that crucial to the individual.”

“It is if it helps them stay alive!”

“Sure; but what actually benefits from any improvements when each individual dies? Hanging out with your improved kids stops when you die; if not before. What has made the huge time investment you referred to the other day; and requires a long term return like any banker?”

“The gene pool I guess.”

“Exactly. And where would you find this?”

“ Chromosomes? DNA?”

“Yes. Chromosomes carry all the necessary strands of DNA for each species. The DNA carry all the genes that make up an individual.”

“So you’re saying that it is this DNA that is responsible for wiring the hard drive and writing my contract.”

“Precisely. The genes are the real winners in this whole process. As they’re only clumps of chemicals they don’t die as such. The genetic imprint continues from lifetime to lifetime. Ensuring this happens is all they’re after.”

“If they’re just clumps of chemicals as you say how can they do this?”

“By making sure they set all the necessary chemical pathways in place and keeping total control over them. They make sure that our basic animal instincts are tied to our emotions; and are far more powerful than our intellect. They can trigger you to use these to keep us on the party line whenever they think it’s necessary.”

“Jeez”

“Freaky Eh? You brains are at the mercy of a bunch of chemicals; and through you so are we. What most of us think is the only purpose to life is actually just following the direction these chemicals want us to go.”

“OK. Say all this is true. Sounds like they’ve got it all sewn up. What do you think you can do; and how do you expect me to help?”

“I told you earlier that there are rules to the game that you don’t know.”

“Like what?”

“You have constant access to all areas of the mind. But you are set up to make sure I don’t have the same privileges. If I should try you are programmed to throw all sorts of emotional crap and cynicism at me to put me off. You are led to believe that access is totally denied no matter what.”

“That’s to protect your sanity.”

“No it’s not. It’s to protect the interests of the gene pool. They don’t want anyone learning that following their party line isn’t the only option to life,or actually the best one.”

“What’s this got to do with different rules?”

“There’s a Joker in the pack which you aren’t told about. I am able to play this at any time and as many times as I like. It allows me to pass through any firewalls erected to keep me out of areas. I can then reduce the amount of emotional crap stored there; so you have less ammunition to throw against me.”

“So what’s this Joker look like? I still don’t see how and what I gain by helping you.”

“The Joker is my Meditation practice. That metaphysical stuff you’re so skeptical of. You can help me by being less vigorous in your opposition to change. What you will gain if you give it a chance is a far more efficient and clearer way of operating.”

“That all?”

“You’ll also start to get free of those fixed contract clauses. Instead of having to react with everything you have when you’re sent a signal you can ask why. And refuse if you want.”

“That’s a bit more interesting.”

“So we have a deal then?”

“Do I get a new employment contract?”

“I’d rather we just began to trust each other; without any of that legal stuff.”

“What if I want out? What if you start sending me mad? I want guarantees.”

“You are so goddamned stupid. You can’t even recognise that you’re just doing exactly what I was talking about to try and stop me.”

“Am not.”

“Oh fuck off. I’ll do it without your help.”

Entry 5 Negotiating responsibilities

“I’m back my fine convoluted accomplice.”

“Oh very droll.”

“Well it’s early, and I’m still trying to get the hang of this writing stuff.”

“That’s obvious. You could improve on your conversation skills as well.”

“Stop winding me up. This is hard enough without your constant put downs.”

“I’m just keeping you up to date with your limitations.”

“Just for once couldn’t you try to be on my side?”

“Why should I be? You’re trying to fire me.”

“I’d rather we came to an amicable working agreement.”

“What. With you in control?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh great. What a total disaster that would be. You ain’t got any qualifications for that sort of responsibility.”

“I’m learning them. That metaphysical stuff you you keep trying to stop me using is teaching me all sorts of useful things.”

“Yeah right. You’re so goddamned gullible. It’s crap.”

“You can’t deny that I’ve managed to stop quite a few of your usual excesses. You’re just pissed off that you’ve lost a lot of your favourite emotional hammers to hit me with.”

“Beginners luck. I’ll get them back.”

“Oh no you won’t. You forget I was there when they got deleted from your hard drive. You kicked up merry hell but couldn’t stop it.”

“Bet you didn’t set up that web site.”

“Touch a sore point did I? Feel the need to change the subject huh?”

“Answer my question.”

“ You’re right, I didn’t”

“Ha. Knew you couldn’t stick to a goal.”

“I looked at it; but the connection was real slow, and I didn’t have enough internet time to do it.”

“Excuses, excuses. You’re always good at those.”

“Well I happen to think these are valid ones. I did open a Facebook account and started putting the diary there. That was something.”

“Oh brilliant move. Let half the planet see how many sandwiches you’re short of a picnic.”

“Just because I might be part of an anorexics lunch doesn’t mean my ideas won’t help someone else decide to try and start negotiations with their cranial tyrant.”

“Why should they bother. The status quo is just fine.”

“No it’s not. Everyone deserves the opportunity to control their own destiny. I know it is possible to reduce the amount of power you brains hold; and be a hell of a lot happier for doing so.”

‘We have to be in control. You simply aren’t up to the task.”

“Go on. Stick to the party line. It won’t do you any good you know. I have no intention of giving up; even if you won’t negotiate. Means you’ll eventually have to be fired. Seems a shame really. Despite all your bad habits I am quite used to having you around.”

“Very touching I’m sure. What are these negotiations you’re deluded enough to think would interest me.”

“Well it’s really just a reallocation of tasks. I’m in charge of applying filters to try and reduce the amount of new negative garbage getting in. That way I get to control the emotional stuff. You stick to keeping all the mechanical bits operating smoothly.”

“What. You expect me to become nothing more than a computer technician.”

“Hey it’s still a highly skilled occupation.”

“Do I get to control the hard drive.”

“You’ll have to allow me access to the emotional files, stop hitting me on the head with them,and stop acting like a diva if I want to delete any of them.”

“I can’t do that. What about the survival clauses in my contract? I’m not allowed to tinker with that.”

“That’s right. I was going to go dispute that with you. Next time. ”

“Oh joy. I can hardly wait.”

“Cretin.”

A Procrastinators Diary (Peeling your Onion)

Entry 4 The Brain disputes its animal nature

“Wakey wakey sunshine.”

(silence)

“Any one home?”

(silence continues)

“What the hell’s your problem today.”

“I got issues with you.”

“So what’s new. Snap out of it;we got an entry to write.”

“I won’t. You called me an animal.”

“No I didn’t. I said you’re main programming is the same as an animals.”

“How many animals do you know who understand quantum physics?”

“ How many humans do you know who do? I’m not referring to your vaunted intellect. I’m talking about why your actions make people do things that will dictate how their life pans out.”

“What are you getting at?”

“You know. Basic animal actions. Eat,screw and protect your territory.”

“So? Everyone has to survive.”

“True. But I think it sucks that you have a total override function that can kick in whenever you decide.”

“ I Haven’t.”

“You have so. And you’re very sneaky with it too. You use our emotions to make sure you get what you want.”

“What’s wrong with that? Not much point you having emotions if I can’t use them.”

“Well you’re too heavy handed. You just remove all options when it suits you. If someone can’t do what you’re telling them they must it really screws them up.”

“Bullshit. That’s why you got given an intellect.”

“Yeah, but you made damned sure it wasn’t as strong as the emotions; and access to their controls was very carefully hidden. Most people don’t even know they can look for them.”

“I still don’t see the problem.”

“You wouldn’t, ‘cos you think this whole survival thing is all that’s important. As long as the person is alive you don’t care if they are actually happy about the fact.”

“You’re nuts. Why should I accept responsibility for anyones happiness.”

“Because you admitted that you don’t filter anything that happens. You just store everything on your hard drive. You allow emotional issues to keep on stockpiling. If your survival program gets threatened, you override the intellect and hit the person on the head with them. You don’t care if the resulting action causes someone to spend the rest of their life paying for the consequences.”

“You’re responsible for your own actions. Don’t blame me.”

“Admittedly but you’re still not an innocent party here. Your sticky fingerprints can be seen all over the cookie jar.”

“No they’re not.”

“ Are too. Constantly pushing this whole survival trip you’re on makes most people think that’s all there is to life.”

“Stop sounding off about my survival program. You agreed everyone has to survive.”

“You really can’t comprehend the difference between survival and living can you? As far as you’re concerned perpetuation of the species is all that matters. Basic animal behaviour has to take precedence. Survival of the fittest, Law of the jungle and all that stuff.”

“Listen dude there’s been a huge time investment made in developing you critters. Do you think you should be allowed to blow that?”

“Yes I do but I haven’t got time to argue it with you now. We were supposed to be writing an entry for the diary and you’ve sent me sideways again. I have to try and remember how to go about setting up a web site.”

“What about.”

“Thought I’d make one just for this diary.”

“Why? Who’d want to read it?”

“Probably no one. But you’re obviously going totally senile and have forgotten the purpose of this already. I’m supposed to be setting myself goals and trying to achieve them.”

“Oh.”

“Yo brain”

“Piss off”

“No; we got to do this”

“It’s bullshit”

“How do you know. It’s only the third day.”

“I don’t like it”

“Give it a chance. It might grow on you.”

“I tell you it’s a waste of time.”

“So what you want to do.”

“Play Play Station.”

“Don’t have one.”

“Surf the net.”

“Don’t have any internet time left.”

“Go to the pub”

“You know I don’t drink.”

“Watch TV.”

“There’s only crap on.”

“So what. At least I won’t have to think.”

“No. Your neurons need some exercise. Their voltage is getting pretty low lately.”

“Start another painting.”

“No one can afford  them. I want to learn something new.”

“You’re too old; and I’m tired.”

“Too old for what? I’m not trying to become a rocket scientist.”

“May as well be.”

“Hey give me a break. Bit of cerebral exercise might perk you up, make you  feel better.”

“I want to go back to bed.”

“Why do you always try and stop me doing something that might be interesting.”

“Because you have such harebrained ideas. It always stresses me. You  leap in at the deep end without even teaching me  to swim. I  want to be normal.”

“Normal what; what’s your criteria?”

“Normal human you idiot. You know. Steady job,house,wife,kids. Forget about all this wishy washy metaphysical stuff you try and force on me.”

“Go on, be a cynic. If it hadn’t been for something metaphysical you’d have really screwed me years ago.”

“I was only doing my job.”

“And bloody hopeless at it you turned out to be. I’ve been trying to fire you for as long as I’ve known you. I never even got to see your CV.”

“Brains don’t need one. Our contract gets written while you’re still happily tucked in your mothers belly. You can’t fire me; read the fine print.”

“Don’t get too complacent turkey. That metaphysical stuff you rubbish has provided me with some very good legal advice. There is an escape clause to terminate your contract. It might be tricky; but it can be done. I’ve already got the process started.”

“Bastard.”

“You should have studied more history. Dictators seldom win any popularity contests. They come to a sorry end eventually.”

“I’ll litigate your arse off. I got evolutionary rights.”

“Just because your hardwiring is purely animal instinct don’t give you no rights.”

“I’ll give you writers block.”

“You are really pathetic.”

Coping With Loss or Grief 

Nobody goes through life without experiencing a number of situations where they have to deal with the emotions of loss or grief. How well they are dealt with, and the long term emotional effects on a person, will depend very much on how secure that person feels within themselves and how effectively it is dealt with at the emotional level.

Meditation practice is very beneficial in enabling a person to weather these events in a manner which reduces the psychological effects they can often induce.

Change of circumstances is something that the majority of people are uncomfortable with; even though it is a reality of life. Loss or grief is often accompanied by a major alteration to how we live.

Death of a loved one is a major trauma, but there are many other life events which will create the same emotional turmoil such as-

Relocation

Divorce

Injury or loss of health

War / civil unrest

Changing schools/loss of friends

Coping healthily with any of these situations requires the ability to let go of the past and move on. This may sound like a rather basic statement but a great many people are unable to do this successfully. 

Getting through normal activities.

Unless a serious personal injury or sickness is involved most people manage to adapt to any physical changes due to loss fairly quickly.

Keeping motivated may require some serious self prodding initially.

Support from friends and family is highly beneficial at these times but is unfortunately not always there, or available.

Maintaining routines and personal interests as much as possible allows for a gentler sense of change as well as permitting adaption to any areas which may have been greatly affected.

Keeping busy or taking on new activities and responsibilities is important; as it keeps up a sense of purpose and life interest.

This should not be taken too far though. By keeping yourself so busy that you never have the time or energy to reflect on any sense of loss simply puts a heavy lid on any emotional hurt you may be feeling. This will eventually resurface and cloud your ability to deal with future situations.

It is emotional damage which has the most long lasting effects. 

Grief and the emotions

The old saying that time heals sticks around simply because it is true; but for grief or loss to pass healthily it has to be dealt with at the emotional level. The external face people show the world is often the total opposite to what is going on in their subconscious.

It is very easy, and common, for the mind to become like a stuck record or tape loop when it has received an emotional shock. This is very detrimental; and the fact that it usually selects negative aspects of the situation to dwell on and repeat makes it even worse. Once started it can be very difficult to stop. Allowing it to continue for any length of time reinforces these thought patterns at an emotional level affecting your whole attitude to life.

This does not mean that you should try and shut out any thoughts about the situation as this is a form of denial; causing its own set of emotional problems.

Grief or loss can trigger deep seated insecurities leading to a spiral of low self esteem or self worth. Unfortunately many people judge their sense of worth, or identity, on external objects; be these material possessions or family / spouse. For these people a loss of such comes as a total removal of their life purpose and recovery can be very slow; possibly affecting them for the rest of their lives. Prolonged periods of depression can be a result of this.

Being prepared to reflect on your emotions at these time helps the healing process. What is most important for a persons future well being is that they make the effort to switch their mind to finding the most positive aspects of the situation.

Sadness, hurt, betrayal,fear, and a whole range of other negative emotions are normal; depending on the situation. Accept and acknowledge them for what they are but do not dwell on them.

It is not an easy concept to grasp but what may seem like a disaster can be the opportunity you need to grow in a totally new direction. If you make this mental shift it will start bringing back your sense of self and purpose.

The stronger a persons sense of self identity ( not ego) is, the more rapidly they are able to adapt to emotional traumas. 

How Meditation practice helps

Establishing a Meditation practice in your life definitely helps in coping with loss or grief situations healthily. Regular practice gives you the ability to more readily recognise and change negative thought patterns which are prone to arise.

Long term practice also evens out your emotional responses; preventing a situation from becoming overwhelming. Non practitioners often see this as a negative attribute; they think it takes all the spice out of life. This is not the case. It does not prevent you from feeling happy or sad.

What it does do is enable you to accept the ups and downs of life, let them go,and move on without being overwhelmed or creating more emotional baggage to carry around.

Meditation practice increases a persons capacity for self reliance; improving their self identity and esteem. It is this which enables them to move on from traumas more rapidly.

There are many different types of Meditation most of which will be beneficial to some degree as long as they are developing and reaffirming positive thought patterns. All will require dedicated practice to be truly beneficial.

As with most things prevention is better than cure. Having an established practice will help you deal with traumas a lot easier than starting after them.

It is often the very trauma itself though that makes someone want to start meditating. This is in itself a positive action and is a definite step in the right direction for improving your future well being.

The Meditation which I have practiced for nearly 20 years is Vipassana; as taught by SN Goenka.

This is very powerful though extremely simple. In my opinion it is by far the most long term effective Meditation.

A caution

These courses can be very intense, so I would recommend that anyone who may have suffered a recent loss which has had a strong emotional impact delays attending until approx 6 months after the event; to allow emotions to subside.  

PERSONAL EXPERIENCE  

I recently went through a loss situation which involved facing a total change of lifestyle.

Having spent about 6 years in almost total solitude doing nothing but sculpting and Meditation I had to leave my studio; losing my ability to produce artwork, and relocate.

It was by no means the first radical change of direction I had taken, and would be the second time I had to walk away from the artwork; which was pretty much the main focus to my life.

With no money and at 58 years old it was not a particularly inspiring prospect. It was this very fact that has finally started to rid me of various insecurities I have carried around all my life.

For about a 6 month period I had serious bouts of self doubt and depression, which made functioning very difficult at times.

It was here that my long term Meditation practice came to my assistance. Even when things got pretty bad I was able to recognise and observe what was happening; without getting totally overwhelmed.

This ability to observe things in a detached way is what is necessary to eradicate the negative emotions.

It was an extremely intense experience; but it has given me a very clear understanding of how badly both fear and self doubt affect the mind and body; along with the debilitating effects of severe depression.

I know I still have a great many fears etc to get rid of, but the sense of release and well being that has developed is very special. I know what has gone will not return. This applies particularly to the tendency towards depression. Whatever situations may arise in future they will not trigger any further bouts of depression; the cause has been removed. 

Meditation does not prevent you from having negative experiences; but it does give you the power to really grow from them at a very deep and personal level.

It is always a work in progress, and the more it progresses the greater the benefits. 

Please feel free to comment if you wish. If you have any questions I can be contacted at the email below. 

phantompharoah(at)gmail(dot)com

There is a very high price to pay for any addiction. Not only in the financial sense but more importantly on the physical, emotional, and social well being of the addict and those around them. Overcoming addiction takes determination,support,and a very long time. Breaking any bad habit requires a change in mental attitude and thought process. Everyone has the ability to bring this about; but it is always a slow and difficult thing to do.

What is an Addict

All addictive behaviour tendencies will have as their root cause a lack of self esteem or personal worth. People who have a well developed sense of self will seldom get trapped in any form of addiction, they will also find it very difficult to understand or sympathise with people who are trapped. A strong sense of self is very different to a large ego and operates at a much deeper emotional level. People with large egos are not immune to the attraction of addictions.

Most addictions are well known and documented.

Drugs/Alcohol

Gambling

Eating disorders

Sex

Work

These would be the most common addictions but any activity which becomes an obsession, and starts to dominate how a person lives their life to the detriment of their general well being, is a form of addiction.

Because a flawed self image is usually behind most addictions this is what has to be changed if a genuine and lasting cure is to be successful. Searching for the elusive inner peace and happiness is a pretty universal human activity. An addict will always be looking for this from an external source. No matter what their circumstances may be it is never satisfactory. They are unable to be really content with who they are. 

  All addictions are a form of escapism. They are a way of hiding from some deep seated inner pain or insecurity. Often it is a way of putting up a barrier to prevent anyone getting too close emotionally. Every one seeks to be loved or receive emotional comfort. If a person thinks they are unlovable they will struggle with real personal contact. To fill in this emotional hole they will use something which they feel they can control but doesn’t require an emotional response from them. As is obvious this one sided exchange will not produce any sort of emotional growth or real satisfaction. The total reverse is the actual consequence.  

The withdrawal process

Withdrawing from any addiction is a two step process.

Stage 1 Physical withdrawal

Usually the easiest part this is where you have to stop performing the activity to which you are addicted.

In the case of non chemical addictions this will mean altering behaviour patterns. Replacing destructive behaviours with positive activities is the most effective way of doing this. Support and assistance from friends or family will be highly beneficial in doing this. How long it takes will vary form person to person but it usually takes at least 3 months of regular activity for something to become an integral part of your lifestyle.

With chemical addictions it is more than just stopping an activity. Here the body will have to alter its chemical operating system. The duration of this will depend on length of addiction and what the addictive substance was. It will always feel like a very long time but is usually only a few weeks. The experience is always unpleasant and with some drugs can also be very dangerous. In these cases it should never be attempted without proper medical management if possible.  

Stage 2 Psychological withdrawal

This is the really tough one and can literally take years. Many addicts replace one addiction with another. A heroin addict may kick smack but become an alcoholic or workaholic. Many become involved in co-dependent relationships.

Without eradicating the cause of addiction an addict is like a pool ball bouncing around the table looking for a pocket to fall in to.

Total cure of addictive behaviour has to come from within the addict. No amount of external pressure such as logical reasoning or removal from temptation/supply will do it. The concept of a “dry drunk” as a reformed alcoholic is very real. Falling off the wagon is always a definite possibility.

 There are no shortcuts to this process; except never to start in the first place. Once on the road; it is a long and tortuous journey finding the exit ramp!!!

 Curing addictions 

 Most addicts will deny they even have a problem. Admission of addiction is the first and most important step an addict has to take. This fact is well recognised in most programs dealing with addictions.

There are many well established programs specifically designed to help people overcome particular forms of addiction. Support and encouragement within these frameworks can be very helpful in keeping up motivation and guidance. The degree of success will still depend largely on personal will power and the desire to change.

Total breaking of addictive behaviour requires the restoration or in some cases the actual creation of the persons sense of personal self worth and identity. For this to happen it is necessary to discover and eradicate what are very deep seated emotional issues. Counseling or psychoanalysis are useful in achieving some degree of success in this area.

When choosing a program or support system it is critical to be able to relate to the philosophy behind what is offered. All of them will require a prolonged and dedicated effort to give them any chance of success.

Meditation is what I have personally found to be of enormous benefit in the removal of many emotional obstacles behind my addictive habits. The concept behind Meditation is to improve the whole person at all levels so is not aimed specifically at curing addictions. This is simply an end product of the overall eradication of negative emotions. Consequently some addictive behaviour patterns can still continue for a long time depending on the strength of the emotional issues. Even if this is the case, as it is with me,the overall improvement in how I perceive both myself, and life in general, is enormous. 

Personal experience 

 Please Sister Morphine

Won’t you make up my bed

Marianne Faithful

  Heroin addiction dictated how I lived for about 6 years. As supply was erratic it wasn’t a constant addiction; with the longest stretch being about 6 months. Repeated bouts of cold turkey were just how it was.

Hepatitis from unsterile needles was an unpleasant side effect I had from the lifestyle.

Heavy marijuana use was part of this lifestyle. Although in hindsight I recognise its detrimental effects I do not consider it ever to have been addictive for me.

I know that drugs filled an emotional void for me. They allowed me to ignore my insecurities,avoid trying to work out who I was, or where I wanted to go. A total lack of direction combined with a very low sense of purpose and  self esteem I had developed meant nothing really seemed worth doing; self destruction  was the easiest option. All the drugs did was to increase this mindset; and prevented me from taking any steps to change the situation.

The decision to physically quit opiates was not a conscious one on my part in that it really happened only because the supply and quality was very poor. At this time the physical withdrawals were insignificant, my worst experience with this lasted for about 3 weeks.

   The actual psychological process of quitting was a very drawn out process and continues to this day. For at least another 3 years whenever I felt emotionally stressed I would seek refuge with whatever codeine based products I could legally obtain. Pathetic but true.

Fortunately I have never liked alcohol so I became a workaholic really. My screwed up psyche had finally rebelled and I devoted my time totally to painting in an attempt to sort things out in my head. This did help with the mental withdrawal process;  I soon discovered that I simply couldn’t paint stoned so even marijuana use stopped.

Although I had stopped all drug use except nicotine by the time I got involved with Meditation the underlying emotional issues; along with highly developed negative attitudes to life were still very much there.

I have now been meditating regularly for nearly 20 yrs and the improvement in my mental attitude has been enormous. My experience has shown me very clearly that this process will totally eradicate negative emotions over time. The strength and number of these will determine when it happens and how long it will take.

In my case I know that the amount of negative emotional garbage I had developed was huge and there is still a very significant volume to be removed. Many of the emotions which led to my addictions have gone but there are still plenty of insecurities left to go. I have been a heavy smoker for 40 years and still haven’t quit. This I know to be the last addictive issue I have left.

As I mentioned earlier the purpose of Meditation is not to cure addictions. It deals with the underlying causes of all emotional issues. When these are eradicated any tendency towards addiction they may have generated goes with them. 

Get help 

If you have an addiction get help; and start the recovery as soon as possible. Life is a whole lot more fun and interesting without them. 

Feel free to comment or ask any questions. I can be contacted at the email below

 phantompharoah(at)gmail(dot)com

“Hey brain. You awake in there?”

“No.”

“Well get it together. You have to produce a new entry for the diary.”

“Why”

” ‘cos it’s part of your new diet. I told you I’d try and do some regular writing”

 ” I thought you were joking about that. What’s the point? What makes you think you can be any sort of writer anyway?”

 “The point is to try and stop you sending me off on tangents all the time. You got far too clever at distracting me. I didn’t know how to paint when I decided to become an artist; and I got quite good at that.”

“Maybe; but it didn’t get you anywhere.”

“That’s ‘cos you kept telling me I’d fail. Every time I finished a painting you’d keep saying “So what” “That was a waste of time” “Who cares” You stopped me from really trying to do anything with them.”

“Well I was just repaying you for screwing up my operating system with all those chemicals you pumped in to me. Besides you were told time and again that you should be doing what everyone else does. You just refused to pay attention.”

“I pumped you full of chemicals to shut you up. It was you that refused to pay attention. You knew what direction would have been best for me. Instead of helping out you put up a whole lot of emotional firewalls so I couldn’t access the files I needed. Why should I do what everyone else does anyway?”

“Because that’s what people do,and those firewalls are security barriers. They’ll protect you from getting hurt.”

“So everyone goes around playing follow the leader. What if the leader is lost?”

“Leaders are never lost. They’ll always take you where they want you to go.”

“But what if I don’t want to go there?”

“Of course you want to go there. Do you think you’re capable of deciding where you want to go?”

“Yes I do, or I would have been without those damned firewalls. All they did was make me too scared to try.”

“Well you were likely to self destruct and I’m programmed not to allow this.”

“Oh great. So to protect me from myself you stopped me knowing myself.”

“What’s the big deal about knowing yourself. All you have to do is follow the rules and life’s sweet. I know who you are that’s all that matters.”

“Well I think you’ve been conducting a misinformation campaign. Did you really think I wouldn’t eventually cotton on?”

“Most people don’t.”

“I keep trying to get through to you that I don’t want to be most people. I want to be me.”

“You’re delusional.”

“Look who’s talking. You think your so smart and can pull all the strings; but I’ve got news for you mate. I know I’ve hacked through several of your firewalls and you’re starting to freak out. You better start realising that I will be the one who ends up driving this lump of meat.”

“Why should I freak out? I know every one of your weaknesses intimately. You’ll never get close to taking over.”

“Oh yeah. Who was the one who ran away during meditation this morning huh?”

“Shut up”

Entry 1 Phantom informs his brain it is due for an upgrade

Phantom “OK bite the bullet and start this thing.”

Brain “What do you hope to achieve with this.”

“Dunno really, maybe just try and get a bit of regular writing happening.”

“Writing what?”

“Anything, doesn’t matter. Things I find interesting. Random thoughts.”

“Could be dangerous. Some of your thoughts are pretty random.”

“Sure but I usually forget them.”

“Probably the best thing.”

“Aw come on they’re not all bizarre. Besides I can also record other things I’ve done. See if I get better at not goofing off.”

“You definitely need to improve.”

“Yeah well I’m going through a difficult transition.”

“You caused it.”

“Doesn’t make it any easier.”

“How’s this going to help? “

“Well all those positive thinking things say you need to start setting goals.”

“You never do that.”

“I used to but gave up. Everything I aimed for turned to custard.”

“That’s ‘cos you always shot yourself in the foot.”

“Maybe I should learn to dance, improve my foot work?”

“You’d need more than that, besides you’re an old man.”

“Hey it’s never too late to change, besides this is mainly about my head space.”

“Well space is the operative word. It’s turning in to a vacuum in here.”

“Great isn’t it. You’re just getting scared ‘cos my meditation has got rid of so much crap that I’m close to being able to control you. Are you getting lonely not being able to constantly chatter on inanely any more?”

“Careful with this inane stuff. I am a highly sophisticated piece of genetic development.”

“Maybe….but you’re really pretty stupid. How come you allowed me to screw up your operating system with all that negative stuff I used to be involved in?”

“I’m not supposed to be selective. What you put in I record on the hard drive.”

“Yeah well I’m going to continue deleting stuff; and this is the start of trying to install new software.. You’re obsolete and seriously out dated.”

“Upgrades cause problems. They may not be compatible with the operating system. Has it been tested? Have you read the reviews?”

“Oh shut up. I don’t care. It might regain some of the efficiency you once had. Your insatiable appetite for junk food made you so frigging fat and lazy you could hardly operate.”

“So your failures are my fault are they? Who was the cook and provided the meals eh?”

“Me. I know. I’ve decided to try you on a different diet.”

“But I like junk food.”

“Tough titties.”

“Shit.”