Infatuation
by Linz on Aug.27, 2009, under Emotional Pitfalls, Infatuation
Narcissus and the Ayatollah
Infatuation can be self directed or externally directed. It is the basis of fanaticism and delusion.
Obsessive thinking takes over rational thought.
It totally blinds a person to any harm their actions may be having on others; or to clearly see the realities of a situation.
Self infatuation
This requires a constant boosting of the ego. Being wrong is never even considered; a fanatic is obsessed with their own importance or the rightness of their ideology. Taken to extremes these people become very dangerous to society.
Power is a magnet and they can never have enough.
Manipulating and using people for their own ends increases their sense of omnipotence. The fanatic is so self centred that other people simply become pawns in their chess game. They will prey on the weak and insecure.
Their ability to relate to another person on any sort of emotional level is extremely limited.
Breaking out of this mindset is very hard to achieve. If a fanatic is thwarted, they will usually become bitter and twisted. Accepting any personal responsibility seldom occurs. Revenge against those they deem responsible for their situation becomes their new obsession.
External Infatuation
The usual form of this is the idolisation of another person. A very strong sexual attraction is one cause. This intense chemical/physical attraction is often mistakenly considered to be true love. True lust is a more realistic definition.
A person who has low self esteem may also become infatuated with a stronger personality; they think this person will solve all their problems.
In both these cases the object of infatuation is seen as being absolutely perfect. They will fulfill all your delusional dreams. Putting them on a pedestal blinds you to any of their real characteristics, or motives.
Becoming a virtual slave, either physically or emotionally, is a definite possibility.
When it turns out they are only human after all, have faults and feet of clay; your delusions get shattered.
Once again it is not common to accept your own responsibility for creating this situation in the first place.The blame will be cast on the other person. Emotional repercussions can be severe, and long lasting.
Recognising infatuation in others is usually easier than accepting it in yourself. When you are caught in this web of delusion even wanting to get out does not seem to occur. It usually takes some sort of major breakdown in the situation to start bringing about a more realistic perspective on things.
Obsessive thought patterns can be reduced if you are prepared to make a conscious effort.
A good exercise if you find yourself obsessing is to switch your mental awareness to focusing on your breathing. Try and maintain this focus as long as you can. Initially this won’t be for very long at all, and you’ll be back obsessing. When you realise this; switch back to observing your breathing.
Keep trying to do this for as long as you can. It isn’t easy; so will require a definite effort.
The purpose of this is to make the mind totally neutral; which will prevent it from increasing the obsessive behaviour. Doing this is much more beneficial than trying to distract yourself with other activities. Obsessive thoughts seem to be able to intrude no matter what you are doing!!!
My Mistake
My infatuation was fueled by a strong sexual attraction.
I Got involved in a romantic situation which logically had no hope of ever succeeding. The whole thing was really quite ridiculous in hind sight. It was very much one sided, though I was unwilling to recognise this.
The interaction was on and off for a number of years; during which time I built up an impossible delusion; of both her, and the situation. Fortunately for both of us she had more sense than me. It would never have worked out. When I was eventually tossed aside it shattered not only my delusions, but made me create a very secure wall against future emotional hurt.
Insecurity and an unwillness to accept that the situation was mostly of my own making; I not only blamed her; but transferred this to the female gender as a whole.
For about 2 years I was quite literally almost constantly chewing over the whole thing in my head. No surprise that they were not particularly positive thoughts. I let them build up to such a degree that my ability to trust anyone on an emotional level had basically disappeared.
My reaction to the situation was both stupid and naïve. Deep seated insecurities were behind the degree to which I allowed it to affect me.
So I had allowed an infatuation; which should have been recognised and moved on from several years earlier, to turn in to a serious wall the results of which would take nearly 20 years to break down.
Not a clever monkey!!!
This is a classic example of how your reaction to an event is incredibly more damaging than the event itself.
Having a firm sense of self will prevent you from falling in to these sort of situations and reactions.
Recognising and accepting your own role in the situation will allow a much faster recovery.
How quickly were you able to get over an infatuation?
What steps did you take to ensure it didn’t happen again?
June 10th, 2010 on 5:08 pm
Five years later and I am still not over an infatuation with someone I’ve never seen face-to-face, and who didn’t exactly always treat me very nicely. I had never been infatuated with anyone before this. Normally I found it hard to become interested in anyone. I would love to get over it but I don’t think it will ever happen.
June 21st, 2010 on 2:28 pm
Hi Sophiaw
I can sympathise with the drawn out nature of an infatuation. I am curious about your comment though. You say you never met the person face to face but they didn’t always treat you very nicely. I don’t actually understand this. In hindsight I realise that the most crucial step in getting over an infatuation is when you accept it for what it is. The old saying love is blind is a mild description of infatuation.
The major mistake I made was to not accept the impossibility of the situation and move on. Usually in cases of infatuation we build the other person up in our minds to think they will create some sort of ideal life for us. The truth is that no body has this ability, so at some point there would have been a major realisation of this fact with the corresponding emotional let down.
If you are able to try and look at any areas where you know things would not have lived up to your ideals,or the situation was impossible it will help you to start getting a more realistic view on the situation. Believe me when I say that in several years you will look back and think; God I’m glad that didn’t happen.
I know it is hard to consider starting any other sort of relationship either after or during something like this but it is important to try. Infatuation is a form of obsessive behaviour in that the mind gets locked in to one way of thinking. Another way of moving on if you don’t wish to try another relationship is to develop or expand any other activity that interests you. Something else you feel capable of being passionate about.
Rechannelling your thoughts is the key to breaking the cycle. Whenever you find yourself thinking of the person make the conscious effort to stop, acknowledge to yourself that it was happening, (DO NOT BE NEGATIVE TO YOURSELF ABOUT IT), and switch to thinking about something else. It can be anything, what you’re having for dinner, something new you want to buy. The idea is to break the thought pattern and stop it keeping such a firm grip.
Initially you may find it difficult to do. It is important to just keep trying to stop the thoughts by redirecting your mind. Another way you can do this is to just start trying to focus your mind on your breathing . You don’t try to change it or anything, just be aware of it. As I emphasised earlier do not be hard on yourself when you discover you keep falling back in to the same old thought patterns. These things take time to change. Accept it and just keep stopping yourself whenever you can. Gradually you will find it gets easier and the old thought patterns will occur less frequently and for shorter periods of time.
I hope all of this makes some sense to you and is of some use. Unfortunately it is something that takes time to overcome as you are well aware. From my personal experience the longer you permit it to dominate your life the more difficult it is to overcome. You have made the step of recognising the problem so you have the ability to beat it.
Cheers
Linz