phantompharoah

OK so who is this dude???

My name is Lindsay Jamieson. I am a 58 year old Taurean currently living in Nelson New Zealand.

Who I am is a question I have not completely decided yet. The best description I can come up with so far is that I am a self taught artist / sculptor and a long term student in the field of Vipassana Meditation.

My life has been a rather erratic journey. The driving force behind my lifestyle, and artwork, has always been an attempt to resolve inner conflicts. Trying to make sense of the underlying pressures that seem to govern the way most of us live. As cliched as this may be.

While the majority of people give little thought to anything more than the everyday joys and hassles of living, a lot of people; either through inclination or circumstances, do not manage to find a sufficient degree of satisfaction in this.

Usually this will lead to either a search for something on a spiritual level, or make them start building a wall around themselves as an insulation against a society they do not seem able to relate to.

Pink Floyds “The Wall” describes this syndrome far more eloquently than I could ever attempt to do.

Although the the initial causes for me to fall in to this downward spiral differed from those of Roger Waters; the results pretty much followed the script. Unfortunately not having a fraction of his talent I was not able to become a successful rock star.

Currently I find myself at a point equivalent to the end of the LP; with a very large portion of the wall having been shattered.

HOW NOT TO LIVE YOUR LIFE (but still end up happy)!

What follows is an outline of the stages I went through to get to where I’m at today. My story is not in the slightest bit unique, and anyone with psychological training will see very familiar patterns. It is also not a poor me tirade, or plea for sympathy.

The many mistakes I made were from my own ignorance or plain stupidity. Hopefully by relating  it  others will be deterred from either taking the same actions or reverse their direction sooner.

My parents being strongly religious held a firm belief in the general wickedness of the world. Consequently I was pretty much sheltered from socialising with the general mass of humanity.

Although I recall being very interested in modeling and drawing at an early age my parents had no understanding of anything artistic. My education was channeled towards academia at which I was such a dismal failure I was asked to leave. The education system at the time either did not understand and certainly paid no heed to the different ways it has been discovered that people learn. I have only recently learnt of these, and out of interest discovered that I am very much a Kinesthetic learner. People with this tendency can certainly learn any subject; but often struggle with the traditional teaching methods. They are more inclined to following hands on careers. Not having found anything to fascinate me in the education system there was no way I wanted to embark on more advanced studies; so I became one of the countless aimless drifters.

New Zealand at this time was just catching up with the hippie era. It was therefore not in the least surprising that I fell for the happy oblivion of the drug culture. 10 years of being nearly constantly stoned with a 6 year opiate habit managed to bury my insecurities, isolate me from mainstream society, and stop any attempt at finding any sort of direction.

The human psyche  seems to be only able to stand so much distortion before something gives. In my case I guess it was the latent creative urges which had to come out.

By this stage I was very disillusioned with both society and myself. For reasons I  am still unsure of, I quit my job, and with absolutely no training decided I would become an artist. Not a very bright move!!!! Goes to show how addled my brain had become.

What followed was another 10 year cycle during which I basically became obsessed with painting. Living in the country pretty much removed me from any serious social contact.  Some pretty interesting paintings came out of this period. The most advantageous thing was I soon discovered  that drugs and painting were totally incompatible for me; so I was able to wean myself off drugs.

Although the paintings done during this period were very much about my inner turmoil, and helped me bring a lot of issues to the surface, they didn’t manage to start reducing the very deep seated low self esteem I had developed. If anything it actually increased it. I had at last found something I really enjoyed doing,was at least competent at it,but had no way of earning a sustainable income from. No one accepted that being an artist was a serious occupation. The fact that I usually spent 70-80 hrs a week painting simply meant nothing. Thus the one thing I had found I was good at was pretty much valueless in the eyes of society at large.

My early education experiences had made me totally distrustful of actually learning anything worthwhile in that system;  so instead of looking for an avenue where I could use my creative abilities, and make a career of it, I stuck with trying to paint. For about 2 years things went well (I was at least able to pay the rent) and I managed a trip to Canada for a private exhibition.

This period didn’t last. When I was finally unable to make ends meet, I destroyed most of the works I had left, and went to Australia to become a fruit picker. Once again not a particularly inspired piece of thinking.

It did however start me on another 10 year cycle which began the real break down of the psychological walls I had created. My religious upbringing had left me disenchanted with the hypocrisy which can be found within organised religion. The concept of spirituality, and a higher purpose to life, was however something that I had always felt comfortable with; and considered went without question. I had simply never come across anything that felt right; and wasn’t tainted with human ego and self righteousness.

I had attended a 10 day Vipassana Meditation course in New Zealand a few years prior to going to Australia. The benefits of this I recognised immediately. Having well developed abilities at self destruction meant doing anything positive for myself didn’t really stick; so I let the process slide.

Something was obviously looking after me though. When in Australia I was fortunate enough to learn of another Vipassana course being held there. I went to the Centre in Blackheath to sit a 10 day course, and left 6 months later!! As these courses are all run by volunteers they permitted some people to stay there; to help run the courses and sit others when possible. The ability to do this enabled me to get a daily practice routine established; and allow Meditation to become very much part of my lifestyle.

The next several years pretty much revolved around doing as much Meditation as I could. I had lost all interest in painting. Any creative ideas I had were in the 3D field. The only real artwork I produced over this time was a House Bus. This took 3 years to complete. Another faulty decision which saw me lose what little finances I had.

The Meditation practice had made big changes to my outlook on life; and I decided to  get back in to my artwork. 3D was the only area that interested me; so becoming a sculptor was the direction I headed in. Typically of me it was a case of sink or swim; as I had no training at this either.

Based back in New Zealand I ended up being able to get a wonderful studio space on an Island. My main companion there was a horse; so I was able to devote about 6 years to a combination of Sculpting and Meditation. This period helped me continue the  cleansing processes with a minimal amount of distractions.

So for a total of about 15 years I basically lived as a monk; without the robes or formal surrender. With the occasional  support of others I managed to  earn just enough money to pay for rent, materials and 1 meal a day.

3 years ago art sales dried up, and I could no longer afford my studio space. Although I was pretty daunted by the prospect after so long as a virtual hermit; I knew I had to move out and become part of the wider society again.

This pretty much brings me up to where I am at today. I have relocated to a small city away from virtually everyone I know to start a new beginning. I am in debt,unable to afford a studio,but in the most contented and positive frame of mind I can honestly recall.

Looking back at the process it has been a long, and very arduous journey. It is not even close to being over yet, but I am very glad I have traveled it.  Materially my life has been a total disaster. This writes me off as a failure in the eyes of large numbers of people in our superficial society.

We have been conditioned from a very early age that other peoples opinion of us is often far more important than our own.

It is wonderful to be finally reaching a stage within myself where this  no longer has a major effect on me. This may sound like I am developing a massive ego. In actual fact the reverse is true. Contentment seems to increase as the ego is dissolved. The ability to accept and be happy with myself as a person has been difficult for me to achieve. I am finally now just beginning to experience the reality that true happiness always comes from within. Material possessions, friends and relationships are all an essential part of living. They make life comfortable and fun, but as they are all subject to coming and going relying totally on them for your inner happiness simply does not work in the long term.

I do not know if I will start to produce physical artworks again. My reason for starting this web site and telling so much of my rather sorry story is to try and inspire other people to start looking for a happier way to live. Knowing someone else has had similar problems can help make sense of your own situation. If they have learnt a way to overcome these and make their life far more enjoyable can help with making the decision to change yourself.

No matter what you have been through or what your current circumstances are it is always possible to start on the road to finding your own inner peace. All of us have the ability and right to find this.

 

If you have bothered to read this far I salute your perseverance.

Do you have a tale of your own you would like to share with others.

You can email me if you would like to contribute to this site or have any questions.

phantompharoah(at)gmail(dot)com